Are you tired of the same boring meals at the Rott every week? Do your housemates insist on only making PB&J when it’s their turn to make house meals? Do you spend long hours gazing wistfully at the cuts of gourmet rodent meat at Kroger’s, wishing you weren’t too cheap to spend money on both a college education and those scrumptious chops your taste buds long to caress?

Then I am happy to inform you that you can have your cake and eat it too!  And best of all, it’s a squirrel cake!

No longer will the squirrels on campus laugh at you as you pass them by – just follow these ten steps, tried and true by none other than local rodent expert David Jantz (me), to increase your hunting prowess and wipe the grins off their furry little faces.

Naturally, the first place to go is the Internet.

Watch lots of gross YouTube videos on how to skin and prepare a squirrel. (Of course, there’s no need to watch videos about hunting squirrels.  After all, for a beast of a hunter like you, catching the stupid little buggers will be child’s play.)

Look up awesome squirrel recipes like “squirrel nuggets,” “squirrel dumplings,” “sloppy squirrel sandwiches,” and my personal favorite, “chicken surprise.”

March confidently around campus with a laundry basket to drop over a squirrel, or, if that fails, a bunch of rocks to snipe them from afar with deadly accuracy.

As you do this, people will laugh and maybe even take videos of you.  Ignore them.  You can share your bounty with your real friends.

Discover that squirrels have eyes in the back of their heads.  Seriously, it is impossible to sneak up on them.

Discover that squirrels do not, in fact, stay still when you try to throw baskets over them.

Discover that squirrels do not, in fact, stay still when rocks are thrown at their skulls.  Nor does your arm quite possess the deadly accuracy you thought it did.

Also, it turns out they can climb trees.  How annoying.

Ok, no problem. You’ll just… Ummm…

Aha! You’ll sprinkle some bait on the ground and pull the old “stick and box” trap!

This spectacularly, unequivocally fails.  The squirrels are laughing so hard, they almost fall out of their trees.


Keep your head up.  That’s it!  If you try hard enough, you can even manage to ignore the salty taste of tears that fall thick and fast onto your peanut butter sandwich.