You might think you’re well known around campus, but I, for one, do not know who you are.

“Wait,” you might say. “Isn’t that just because you don’t know who actually reads your articles?”

“Yes,” I would reply. “But that’s beside the point.”

Take some advice from our Chief Popularity Expert – me – and learn how to earn the celebrity status you deserve.

1.      Have a widely known older sibling

Are you a Woodward, Gerig, or Longenecker? Are you a first-year? If you answered yes to both of these questions, you are one of the few freshmen I know.

2.      Be in every act in Kick-Off

You know who you are. And so does everyone else.

3.      Share a name with someone on campus

If you aren’t lucky enough to be one of the John Millers, Seth Millers, or Kate Yoders affiliated with Goshen College, don’t despair. Just look up people with your same name on Facebook and convince them to come to GC, easy-peasy.

4.      Talk a lot in class

Every class. Even if you don’t have anything interesting to say. So what if people don’t value your input? At least they’ll know who you are.

 5.      Dump your plate of food on the floor at the Rott

This is the quickest but shortest-lasting way to gain notoriety. Make the whole plate-dropping scene as obnoxious as possible to ensure that everyone will whisper to their tablemates, “Who is that kid again?”

6.      Declare a double interdisciplinary major

This way, you’ll have classes with the most diverse set of people possible, therefore increasing the circumference of your social circle.

7.      Become a mannequin model

Want to show off your inner fashionista? Just stand very still in an edgy-chic pose somewhere prominent on campus—say, the Adelphian fountain at lunchtime. People might laugh a little, but they’re not making fun of you. Their laughter is an expression of fear and awe.

 8.      Become a Funnies page editor

Instant campus fame.

P.S. Dear Communications and Marketing, I’ve waited patiently for over a year since I wrote an article demanding that I be featured on the GC homepage. I only have a year and a half left at the college, and I beseech you to assist me in achieving this goal before I graduate.

Your future poster child,

Kate Yoder