My perfect eyesight is a problem

My perfect eyesight is a problem

Hi, my name is Greta, and I have 20/20 vision. 

Please don’t think I am bragging. In fact, having perfect vision is actually a curse! It means that I, a person who is so well suited for glasses, can never wear them, and to me, that is a terrible tragedy. 

I have always wanted glasses. Every time I go to the doctor and they check my eyes, I have a series of mixed emotions. A small part of me hopes that I will continue to have 20/20 vision, maintaining my 19 year streak of doing so. But a much larger part of me is praying that I will get sent to the eye doctor, for the first time in my life, so that I can finally be prescribed GLASSES!

Unfortunately, my eyes continue to be flawless. 

I was resigned to my fate as a non-glasses wearer, until just the other day, when I learned about an interesting new product, through an ad on my Instagram. 

Blue Light Glasses. 

I don’t know if you’ve heard of Blue Light, but it is extremely dangerous and ruining all of our eyes. Seriously. In fact, it’s so bad for you, that the inventors of today decided to create something to save us all! They were selfless, and not at all fueled by capitalism. To them, I am eternally grateful. 

Basically, Blue Light makes us sleep poorly and it also destroys our eyes over time. It’s a big deal. 

But for just $19.68 on Amazon, you can solve all of your problems!!

Thanks to one day shipping, my newest fashion accessory/Extremely Important Health Equipment arrived. I was so excited to get my new glasses, that when I went to ITS media and picked them up in that tantalizing Amazon Prime packaging, I couldn’t wait a moment longer. I ripped them open right in the middle of class. 

Two beautiful round frames, surrounded with a sort of translucent leopard print pattern. A gold nose arch, two golden ear hooker sticks and two little nose pads, for maximum comfort. They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. 

I have wasted no time in wearing them whenever possible. The reality of the situation is that Blue Light can strike at any time. You might be walking down the street, minding your own business, when BLAM! Someone shoves a computer in your face!

I have decided to take any and all precautionary measures to protect myself against Blue Light. And by “any and all” I mean wearing my Blue Light glasses all the time. 

And it doesn’t hurt that they make me look SO COOL and SO SMART. And did I mention SO FASHIONABLE? All of my glasses dreams have been fulfilled, thanks to the dangers of Blue Light and the terrible consumerist machine that is Amazon. Life is good. 

P.S. If you see me around, feel free to give me a compliment! (This applies to life in general, not necessarily only about the glasses.)

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Written by Greta Klassen, Funnies Editor

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