How to be a bro

KATIE YODER

katiey5@goshen.edu

Funnies Co-Editor

        In this past school year, I’ve become fascinated with the art of being a “bro” here on campus. I have been wondering if I too can achieve the level of coolness that comes from trying to not even try.

It turns out I can, and you can too. It doesn’t matter whether you see yourself as “bro” material. Here are a few easy steps that anyone can take to get there.

  1.     Master the “bro” hug. Throw out your hand like you’re going for a handshake but then lean in for the back slap too. It’s quick and efficient and shows just the right amount of affection towards anybody without getting to weird. There’s a lot of variation in technique. You can add or subtract a back-slap, throw in a sideways high-five and adjust the angle of your elbow as you extend your arm. I would suggest keeping it locked at 90º at all times.
  2.     Use the word “bro” a lot. Right before you go in for a bro hug. Right after you say what you ate for lunch. In the middle of all those reps you’re doing at the gym. If you want to spice things up, pronounce it more like “brrrahh,” with an added “r” roll and extended “ah” sound. If you don’t use that pronunciation, it might sound like you’re talking about a type of women’s clothing, and we wouldn’t want that.
  3.     I would say only hang out with people of your own gender, but that’s incredibly boring. I see the potential for anyone on campus to be a potential “bro,” whether it’s that little girl trying to jump the fence from the church preschool or one of your professors who rides his bike with no handlebars. You just need to give them a smile and a chin nod, and you’ll basically be best friends forever.
  4.     Cultivate a cool walk. Not too fast, not too slow, just in the sweet spot of swag. You have to leave yourself time to throw in that chin nod, but not make it look you’re interested enough in anything to eat up any more of your time that you could using to learn how to ride a longboard.
  5.     Teach others to be bros. At that point when you ask one of your friends, “You good, bro?” and they respond, “Yeah, bro, I’m good,” you will know that you succeeded in your mission.

 

Record
Record
Written by Record

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