If you haven’t heard by now that Christopher Columbus is basically the worst person ever, you’ve either been living under a rock or you haven’t been keeping up with your convo credits. Luckily, I have a plan to right the wrong that is this terrible man having his own holiday by proposing to Student Senate (in the format of this article, not an actual proposal) a list of people who are more deserving of a holiday on October 12 than our man ChrisCo.
1. Chef Jeremy. The man has singlehandedly transformed Facebook from a vast wasteland of articles shared by my grandpa to a site full of joy and hilarity. Nothing brightens my day more than seeing which AVI delicacy my friends are enjoying in a slightly blurry photo. Plus, he rocks that chef uniform.
2. Tecumseh. All of our core values (compassionate peacemakers what what!) can be summed up in this guy. Despite all of the crazy brutality his people experienced at the hands of white men, he still worked for nonviolence towards the whites. Biography.com claims he’s an “American folk hero,” yet when you Google “Tecumseh holiday” all you get are a bunch of ads for carburetors.
3. Anyone who has a class on the third floor of the Ad. building. Your dedication to academics at the cost of extreme exhaustion and calf cramps deserves some recognition.
4. Madam C.J. Walker. The first female self-made millionaire in America, a black woman, and a huge donor to various charities. Why the NUTS do we waste time talking about Columbus when this woman existed? Not to mention that her legacy started because she had bad dandruff. #RelatablePosts
5. Internet Explorer (RIP). If we must celebrate an explorer, this seems like our best bet. Granted, the exploring was usually pretty slow, but at least this well-loved (ha) browser never intentionally hurt anyone.
6. The Guetigs, who live in East Hall. They’re living in the butt crack of the dorms. The least we can do is give them a day in their honor where we (hypothetically) don’t throw pumpkins off the roof near their home.
7. Yo-Yo Ma. If he’s good enough to have his own Arthur episode, he’s good enough to have his own holiday. I trust PBS Kids more than I trust whoever writes the history textbooks for all of the fourth graders who are currently celebrating Columbus. Plus, as I have learned from Ben Wiebe, the cello is the most beautiful instrument in the world and Yo-Yo Ma has to be at least as good as Ben.
8. GC’s custodial team. These wonderful people are willing to clean up the atrocities that occur in the dorm bathrooms. Every day, they re-create a scentless, spotless environment in which we can take a restful poo. Living in the apartments and being forced to clean up after myself (or, more accurately, live in my own filth) has given me a real appreciation for all these great people do. They’re the real MVPs.