This story is not made up

This story is not made up

Maria Jantz

Funnies Editor

mkjantz@goshen.edu

Senior Maria Jantz attempts to look like a human woman.

Senior Maria Jantz attempts to look like a human woman.

 

Because I am extremely famous, sometimes I find myself doing photo shoots.

 

On Sunday, one of these glorious occasions occurred, and I decided I should engage in what some call “primping” and others call “ridiculous.”

 

I began with a very hopeful, maybe-winter-is-almost-over ceremonial leg shaving. Spoiler alert: Winter is not almost over. Hopefully, global warming will fix that pretty soon.*

 

After an extensive leg hair trimming with a borrowed chainsaw, I moved on to the next problem area: my face.

 

As we all know, women look terrible without a good helping of strange pigments upon their faces. Word on the street says these pigments contain everything from bat poop to squirrel placenta. Fortunately, I have some of these pigments left over from high school. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of practice putting bat poop on my face.

 

The only contouring I really understand is the kind we do with charcoal in art classes, so I looked up some tutorials on Pinterest.

 

Based on the results, I am pretty sure that the eye picture in the tutorial was actually from a raccoon. It might have been better to stick with the charcoal.

 

In the aftermath of the photo shoot, I discovered a tragic fact. It seems that cheap drugstore eyeliner, when allowed to ferment for several years before using, becomes something like permanent marker. It may also be radioactive. I’m hoping to become some new version of Spiderwoman. EyeWoman, they’ll call me. Or iWoman.

 

This has added a certain excitement to my regular interactions. Goshen students, used to encountering raccoons only in dumpsters, peer around me for free stale food. Professors regularly shoo me away from classrooms. (This is not a bad thing.)

 

During Super Tuesday, my interviewer said that the only thing I could do to make my interview even better would be to be a human being. I’d had enough. I decided to venture into the dangerous realm of the internet in search of solutions.

 

Pop Quiz:

  1. What is the best thing to use to remove permanent marker?
    1. Peanut butter
    2. Toothpaste
    3. More permanent marker!
    4. Whatever it is will probably not work on radioactive eyeliner.

 

And the answer is…D! This concludes our Kate-Yoder-mandated quiz question of the week. On the plus side, my eyelids will not be getting cavities any time soon.

 

* I was almost an environmental science major, but they wouldn’t take me for some reason.

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