If You Are A Babe, Read This Article

David Jantz

Funnies editor

djantz@goshen.edu

 

A few weeks ago, our esteemed editor-in-chief and benevolent leader, Elizabeth Franks-North, approached me about becoming a co-editor of the funnies section in the Record.

Instantly my mind went into overdrive. Imagine the glory of this prestigious and powerful position! The honor! The babes! The esteem! More babes! I replied immediately with a confident, “Definitely!”

As I walked away, she called out, “Oh, and your sister is the other editor.”

I did a 180, literally and metaphorically, and said, “Ah… that is, definitely in a very indefinite sort of way…”

“But David,” Elizabeth countered, “Think of all the babes!”

She had a point.  Funnies editors, much like Mickey Mouse pants and sombreros, are irresistible to babes*. Plus, who doesn’t go for an opportunity to show everyone that they’re the superior sibling?

So here I am, pouring my sophomoric humor onto the page (Get it? I’m a sophomore. Ha. Oh, fine. Jeez, tough crowd).  I suppose I should start with a bit about myself:

I switched majors between first and second year from Physics to BioChemistry (Hmm… there’s major potential for puns here, but I can’t think of any right now…).

If you want to know who I am (of course you do) (especially if you’re a babe), I’m the guy on campus with the ridiculous haircut, courtesy of my co-editor’s complete lack of artistic ability with a hair buzzer.  Fortunately, my devilishly good looks make up for it.

I’m rooming with an RA, which means I’ll have to carry out all my illicit activities — not eating my veggies, staying up after bedtime, only brushing and flossing my teeth once a day — with all the predatory stealth of Ryan Sensenig stalking grass in the Serengeti.

A major improvement for this year (there’s that major pun!) is that I no longer have ICC (pronounced “ick”) wasting 3 hours of my life every week.  Instead I use my free time to go back to my dorm and do productive things, like finally finish that room condition report… After I check email, that is… and Facebook… and maybe a quick game of 2048… and – ohnoI’mlateforclassgottashoveleverythinginmybackpackandrun… Needless to say, my productivity has increased tenfold.

So, that’s me! Other than the fact that my co-editor is as smelly as walk-a-mile is awkward, I look forward to a great year full of satire, stupid puns, better hair, and of course, babes.  I think this year will be a major success!

 

*Bill Watterson, author of Calvin and Hobbes, is my go-to source for dating advice.  Hey, it works for six-year-olds…

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