Maria Jantz and Kate Yoder
firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com
We know what you’re thinking: “There aren’t enough toilets in the Record.” Rest assured, dear reader, today is the day we remedy that sad truth. Today, there shall be water closets galore; just the thing for some pleasant Thursday lunchtime reading.
Finally, we can ask the important questions in life, like “How much toilet paper do I use in comparison to everyone else?” and “If I have to rest my derriere on some toilet on campus, which would be the best one?”
Fortunately, you no longer need to stress over this conundrum. We set our (butt)crack team of investigative reporters on the case. From squatty potties to world-class thrones, Goshen College offers its students a multitude of choices when it comes to defecation destinations. To decide which precious lavatories made the cut, we discussed our options by playing a highly disturbing game of “Would You Rather.” The finalists in this tournament are listed below—pay special attention to Number 1 and Number 2.
In terms of bathrooms, these three letters are the most ominous letters that exist. For those not “in-the-know,” these three letters stand for “Study Service Term,” a program that some Goshen students begrudgingly participate in. Embrace global citizenship with a squatty potty. (But don’t embrace the toilet. Trust us.)
5. Miller 1
Readers, we can’t claim expertise on the matter, but the rumors are as strong as the smell wafting from Miller 1: You’d have to been a loon to use this loo.
Do you enjoy hurricane-speed winds? Do you prefer to “make an offering to the porcelain god” by your lonesome? If so, the Union bathrooms are the place for you! These fabulous hand-drying machines will ripple the skin on your hands until there are figuratively no drops of water on them. You can enjoy this tornado hand massage in the company of 20 empty stalls as the sound of the 40 horsepower toilet flush echoes throughout the chamber.
3. Music Center
With acoustics second to none, the Music Center restroom guarantees you a luxurious excretory experience. Furthermore, this bathroom is cleaned, by our watch, approximately every other hour, so you are guaranteed the height of sanitary and aural pleasure. You might overhear some organ music, or if you’re lucky, get a free preview of a Performing Arts Series concert—it’s like elevator music, but better.
2. Library Basement Women’s Room
When you enter this bathroom, you may wonder where the toilets are. “Where are the toilets?” you may ask, shocked. Your confusion stems from the simple fact that this bathroom has a sitting room, complete with a couch, a side table, and your grandmother’s curtains. Post-flush, when you’re too exhausted to rejoin your study group, you can lounge amidst authentic antique 70’s style furniture to recuperate.
1. Rottlawn Dining Hall
This toilet, with a royal flush of quality attributes, was an easy choice for The Record’s “Golden Throne” award. Lunchtime is the prime time to use this toilet, since you get to walk confidently past flowing rivers of people in order to enter your dominion. If you do not wish to rejoin the plebeian masses once you have relieved yourself, rest assured that you can exit via the cleverly hidden trapdoor (hint: it’s underneath the rug). With room for stadium seating, you will feel as though you are Lord/Lady of all your survey as you perch upon this truly fantastic throne. “Let them eat cake,” you’ll think. “Let them eat Rott cake. And then let it pass through their digestive systems.”