By John Miller, Funnies Editor
This last Monday, March 11, 2013, I witnessed a brazen disregard for Goshen’s community standards. The Rott (occasionally referred to by its nickname, “Westlawn Dining Hall”) was serving pork chops for lunch. What made these pork chops so illicit? Their main ingredient: marsala wine. The ingredient list was proudly displayed along that day’s baked potatoes and BBQ tofu.
This devious act can be interpreted in one of three ways.
One: a student worker at the Rott got bored and decided to “spice up” Monday’s dinner. While this is a fairly plausible explanation, it doesn’t lend itself to humor very well.
Two: AVI Fresh is trying to win back student appeal after nixing the student-led proposal to donate extra meals to the homeless. AVI may be attempting to win back the students, but I’m guessing both parties involved would be happier skipping the middleman and leaving out the pork altogether.
This brings me to my third and most likely explanation. Are you ready for it?
Three: Bill Born and AVI are working together in a classic sting operation. I have to conclude that AVI agreed to serve the wine-imbibed pork after pressure from the GC administration in an attempt to raise more money through alcohol-related fines. Any student who consumed the meat is unknowingly at risk of receiving a Category 2 alcohol violation.
And so, with a heavy heart, I must admit to having fallen for Bill’s trick. I ate the masala pork, and I liked it. Do with me what you will. But hear me out: I am but a naïve student! Who is to be blamed for misleading me? None other than AVI Fresh.
Unless AVI Fresh has been shipping in their meals from somewhere else, they have alcohol on campus. As laid out in the community standards handbook, “possession or use of alcohol on campus” is grounds for a Category 2 alcohol violation.
I expect whoever cooked the alcoholic pork to attend a meeting with the Residence Hall Council, hand in a written account of his or her actions, perform 5-25 hours of community service and volunteer for random, unannounced searches and drug testing. I’ll leave it up to the discretion of Chad and Heather to determine whether or not this falls under Category 3 for “providing alcohol to minors.”
After checking the calendar this week, I noticed the Rott will be serving “Beer Brats” for lunch this Sunday.
Nice try, Bill.