From the police blotters:

As Mr. Penner so eloquently explained in his testimony, it is unfitting for a Christian to laugh. I agree with this wholeheartedly and feel that this space could be better used to inform citizens of events in the surrounding community. The following is a transcript of several stories heard yesterday over the police scanner.

Wednesday, 10 p.m.: An alert citizen reported seeing a lone male of equine persuasion, possibly gelded, approaching a local eatery and public house with the intention of purchasing and imbibing a controlled substance in the form of a malted beverage. Upon seeing the horse entering said establishment, the bartender, Dave Rawling, 48, of Gloucestershire, reportedly asked the patron, “What is with your elongated countenance?”

Wednesday, 10:15 p.m.: A female, aged in her mid-twenties, entered the bar. She carried a stout Pekinese puppy in her non-dominant arm. As she sat down by the bar, the bartender approached her and asked, “Does your dog bite?” The female was reported to have said no. The bartender extended his hand to pet the aforementioned canine and was immediately assaulted by the dog. When asked about the veracity of her statement regarding the tranquility of her dog, the woman replied under oath, “That was not my dog.”

Wednesday, 11:00 p.m.: Three unidentified middle-aged white males walked into the same establishment, presumably with the intent to imbibe. Eyewitnesses describe the first male as “in a pastor’s vestments.” Suspect is a possible Lutheran. The second man, estimated height 5’9”, was wearing a yarmulke. The third man was enrobed in a brown cassock and wore a lustrous silver crucifix around his neck. The three began to debate and discern the relative merits of various approaches to Old Testament Scripture and the nature of God, good and evil in the modern world. The party left without incident.

Wednesday, 11:15 p.m.: In an entirely unrelated incident, a pedestrian walked into a metal bar and injured himself.

Thursday, 2:15 a.m.: A large ursine mammal native to the mountain forests of China entered the establishment. The bartender, as a manner of standard procedure, asked the black-and-white bearlike patron what he would like to eat. The panda, apparently influenced by an existential redefinition brought about from a fundamental misunderstanding of an encyclopedia entry about the gustatory habits of his species, consumed an entree, shot the bartender and left. Suspect has bear arms and is highly dangerous.

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Written by Nate Day

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