Romantic comedies can teach us everything we will ever need to know about love

Valentines day is only 12 days away, so time is running out to express how you feel about some one.  If you miss the chance, you will have to wait for an entire year to ever show your feelings again.  By then there will be a 50 percent chance you or they will be on S.S.T.…so in other words, if you do not take the chance right then, you will spend the rest of your life bitterly reminiscing how you missed the one chance in your life to meet your soul mate forever.  So, my advice…relax.  I have everything taken care of. I have watched every romantic comedy ever made (I had to pull an all-nighter) and can tell you I have now learned everything I have ever needed to know about relationships.

1.  A lot of people make the mistake of being too subtle.  This is completely wrong.  People will appreciate it if you declare your love by shouting it from mountaintops.  Unfortunately, we do not have mountaintops in Goshen, but we do have a cafeteria to proclaim your love to all the people there.  I have also heard that singing a love song from atop of Sauder concert hall and then floating down on a heart shaped cloud works pretty well too.

2.  The secret is getting the person to hate you at the start of the relationship.  The more angry and spiteful the two of you are towards each other, the more likely it will be that you will end up with each other later on.

3.  Make sure there is an iconic and romantic song being played the first time you meet…when your relationship is not going well you can sing or play that song and all things will be wonderful and good yet again.  Replicating the exact way that you met constantly will be needed quite often in your relationship.

4.  Fights are important in relationship.  There needs to be a low point where it looks like all is lost and the two of you will never be together, and then bam, everything will become perfect again.

5.  The more cliché your date, the more it will help your relationship.  I would highly recommend, taking a gondola ride to the Eiffel tower while watching the Notebook, having dinner (chocolate covered strawberries a must), and drinking coffee.

6.  Pretend you are not interested in the person for a long long time, until finally the two of you realize that you can no longer hide your feelings of attraction.

7.  Do not move too slowly, you should be in a relationship/engaged within at least a couple days.

8.  It is very very important to almost awkwardly kiss and then have a friend/important figure in your lives walk in and ruin the whole moment.  Without this first moment your relationship is destined to fail.

9.  Your first kiss should probably happen in slow motion…I would recommend moving insanely slow as you move into kiss.  The number one rule is it needs to be epic and awe inspiring.  It should probably take place in candlelight and be snowing outside.

10.  Being broody and moody will make your relationship so much better.

11.  Surround yourselves with friends who are humorous, but who question your relationship status constantly, and show they are caring and compassionate friends by giving you a speech about following your heart when your relationship is not going well.

12.  Breaking into song and singing about feelings will always help your relationship

13.  There is a strong force called destiny that will forever make or break your relationship.

14.  Sometimes it can be helpful to currently be dating someone who is a horrible human being.  Then in time you can come to realize that the person you are dating makes your soul cry and you can realize that the person you have been ignoring for several days is your true love.  The ideal time to come to this realiztion is at the wedding alter.

15.  It is also fairly important to have insecurity or fears that you can get over/overcome for that person to show how much you care for them.

16.  The person you’re interested in will respect you if you randomly blurt out that you love them and then try and cover it up.

17.  If your families/societies hate each other then you know it is fate for you to unite everyone through the power of love

18.  Love triangles are important; just make sure the third person in the love triangle is someone that in time the person you are interested in will realize that they hate.

19.  The more dramatic about your love you are the more in love you are.

20.  There is no such thing as whispering too many sweet nothings into someone’s ear.

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Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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