A letter of urgent response from Harry Potter

Dear Daniel H. Penner,

I understand where you are coming from, but I must strongly urge you to reconsider.  If you do not see this movie at midnight on opening night then the Dark Lord has won.  The date of the release of part 1 of my film will most likely be the most important event of the next several generations.  For year, people will reminisce about where they were when the final Harry Potter came out.  They will tell stories of how their faces metaphorically melted off due to the sheer awesomeness of my final film; they will tell stories that will turn them into beautiful legends for all time.  And there you will sit with a lone tear rolling down your cheek, realizing you have missed the defining moment of the 21st century.

You speak as though it is a bad thing to be camped outside of a movie theater dressed in Harry Potter paraphernalia, yet I call for you to be the greatest Potterhead that ever lived.  Think of your name. Daniel: The first name of the handsome bloke chosen to portray me in these films.  And Penner…yes, Penner.  If we only but replace the first E in your name to an O, and change the N’s to T’s = Daniel Potter!  The chosen one!  Ever since you were a boy you have been chosen to bring throngs of people to my final chapter, to show that there is still a little magic and a little joy left in the film.  Ever since you were young, you have felt you are different.  The calling is inescapable; we know you have ignored the 12,000 letters we have sent to you by owl telling you this information, but destiny is still knocking.  Go out and reclaim the Junior-High-School-self that laid waste to the Goblet of Fire, for we are always young at heart no matter how old and out of shape we become.   For you not see Harry Potter on opening day would be the end of the free world as we know it. The ball is in your court, Daniel Penner.  Let us just hope you do not destroy the world.

Yours truly,

Harry Potter

P.S.  Our dreams are a window into what is truly in our minds and hearts.  If you are trying to convince yourself you don’t want to be at Hogwarts RIGHT NOW, you are in denial.

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Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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