Finally, the cold and dreary December, January and February have passed and we have moved into the cold and dreary, but occasionally sunny, March. That means with blue skies approaching and the weather warming, love is on the horizon. The rules for dating in the winter no longer apply, so I decided I should give you eleven new rules for getting someone to start dating you.
1. Propose first, ask questions later. There is often so much stress about when to propose and what the right time is. There is even stress about asking someone out on the first date, so why not just remove that stress and just go straight for the proposal. They will surely be intrigued by your bravery. Proposing at a very public place like the dining hall or a concert is also key.
2. Buy them a pet. If you want to be truly romantic you can get them a parrot or a box turtle. They can live for 100 years. This will send the message that you will be committed to them just like they will have to be committed to taking care of the turtle for the next century.
3. Giant displays of affection to show your feelings are also essential. Make an enormous poster of the persons face and put it on the AD building, or serenade them under their window with a band of 30 people, or perhaps take a canoe ride and get your friends hiding in the water to sing “Kiss the Girl (or Boy)” [from the Little Mermaid]. They will be pleasantly surprised.
4. Learn to speak in a sexy accent. People worry so often what they will say on dates, but if you have a sexy accent you can say whatever the heck you want and it will sound amazing.
5. Get their name tattooed on your face.
6. Contract swine flu. Then, give the person you like swine flu. This way you can talk for hours and hours on end in East Hall.
7. Play hard to get. The harder to get you are, the more they will like you. If you want them to REALLY like you, you should ignore them constantly, hide from them, delete your Facebook and throw away your cell phone. Then change residencies and live in the woods.
8. Write a mushy love poem. Then send it to every person in the school except for them. Jealousy is key to starting healthy relationships.
9. People like to know that you care about them. Tell them every time you see them, leave messages on their Facebook wall and call them every 30 minutes. Carve how you feel into trees on campus and write it all over their books for class. They’ll appreciate it.
10. Change your facebook status to in a relationship with them. Then, if they respond negatively say, oh, huh huh, my friend got onto my Facebook.
11. Old school flirtation is also important. Putting a bug in the person’s hair and giggling was a great way to flirt in first grade, and it is just as good of a way to flirt in college.