Weathering Goshen

Remember those good old days, namely last week, when the weather was B-E-A-utiful and the sun shone so warmly?  Well, I hate to break it to you, but those days are gone for a long long time now.  (Somewhere in the background either the rumble of thunder or the booming laughter of Thor Nordic God of Storms sounds, serving as a chilling reminder to how true this statement actually is).

As a veteran Goshen student with a full year under my belt, I knew better than to be taken in by the seemingly nice weather granted to us as a maniacal twist of fate designed to ruin lives and make babies cry.  For all of you less-experienced first-years, heed my warning! Soon your prayers for nicer weather will turn to cries of anguish as you realize you would settle for the weather of Tuesday.  Before you know it, you will be begging for the warmth of 50 degrees with drizzle.

With the unsettling knowledge that Goshen weather is about as stable as a nuclear reaction, you may find yourself slipping into Goshen Depression.  This is an odd phenomenon that happens in Goshen that is similar to Seasonal Depression, except Goshen Depression lasts for approximately 11 months of the year.  It typically ends in July, the month when the weather is nice, and starts again around the first of August.

DO NOT BE ALARMED!  There are ways of combating this! And I am about to let you in on some of the secrets that helped me learn to be an OGSGD, or Optimistic Goshenite who Suffers from Goshen Depression.

1.)    Imagine you are at a beach on some island in the Caribbean.  *Disclaimer: if you are actually from a place like that, it may only strengthen the symptoms of GD (Goshen Depression).

2.)   Sleep a lot.  (To improve step 2, sleep with a picture of a sunny day under your pillow.)

3.)   Find creative ways of keeping warm, i.e. that crazy guy who wears a green bathrobe.

5.)  Never look out the window.

6.)  Repeat step 4.

With all of these foolproof tips, I am confident in your ability to overcome GD and not care about the rain…and snow…and cold…and months of no sun…and fog…and general feelings of gloom…and dementors (just ’cause you don’t see ’em doesn’t mean they’re not there)… You can do it! Don’t mind the wind blowing at hurricane speeds! Keep the faith, hold on!  The cloudburst will…pass? …united…we…can…AHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

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Written by Aaron Kaufmann

i am not a funny person, and i don't know why i was asked to be a funnies editor. all of my articles are based on 100% truth, and should be taken in all seriousness.

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