This is the second week of my esteemed position of Funnies editor and along with that comes two whole weeks of knowledge and insight I’d like to share.

Keeping in mind our criteria from the previous week, (i.e. these are in fact, facts) I’d like to dive into the ins and outs of what this positions entails.

First and foremost, I promise to stop writing articles about “the truth” as soon as you respected students take the plunge into funnies writing.

(This is an open invitation for any and all people to submit funny things to me: don’t worry, the bar is low).

This brings me to my second realization: what the Funnies editor actually does is beg people to submit articles about anything, get turned down over and over again, and then proceed with writing an article on Wednesday that will most likely be met with comments like, “Why is she the Funnies editor again?”

I’ve written numerous e-mails in the last week, talked to countless people, and this is where we’ve ended up: stuck with my desert dry humor.

Second Year hottie and Kulp frat boy Kyle Stocksdale even went as far as to say, “Wow, thanks for the offer, but I really don’t want to tarnish my name.”

In my desperation I reached out to recent graduate Ammon Allen-Doucot who was eventually persuaded with a bottle of fermented grape juice.

While I cannot afford to provide everybody on campus with grape juice, I can offer you the valued privilege of showcasing your raw talent to the rest of your peers.

I promise that the tarnishing of your name will come with or without your participation in this section of the Record (especially if you write a Perspectives piece), so please, join me on this great adventure called “I wonder if they’ll actually allow me to publish this?”

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Unbeknownst to campus because of their second-class status genitalia, the women’s basketball team ranked 21st in nation.


“Burning for Bernie” campaign center relocated to Blasia House.

Polo House contacts campus security about broken TV after letting quiet group of friends come over for a potluck.

“KMY Times” voted “Second Funniest” after the Record’s ever-steady Funnies page.