Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.

In order to save single people from any more unsolicited advice (we know your grandmothers and every person in a relationship on this planet has got that covered), I’m going to address something far more pressing on the Goshen College Campus: shorts.

Yeah, that’s right, folks. We have a shorts epidemic.

Recently in my free time, I have taken up jogging at the Rec-Fit Center on campus. Because I didn’t get those mythical genetics where people claim to get a “runner’s high” (trust me, there is nothing that gives you a feeling of awe and wonder after a jog), I keep my mind busy by analyzing what’s going on around me.

I have recently noticed a large increase in very, very, short, shorts. No, this is not the same sexist talk every girl going through puberty in middle school got. It is a shout out to all of the men trying to rock these shorts. There is a particularly large population of over-45-year-old males that is trying to make these itty-bitty running shorts trendy.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all about body empowerment and self-acceptance, but this trend is definitely not one I expected to see in the arctic winter temperatures of northern Indiana.

With these shorts, I’ve noticed a correlation.

I’m not a math major, but I did my best for about five seconds to channel any math knowledge I obtained from high school. The correlation is this: the shorter your shorts, the more gusto, confidence and running speed you arrive to the Rec-Fit with.  

If the older men wearing these shorts were to have a spirit animal, it would be something along the lines of a gazelle or a cheetah. It has made me wonder if these shorts are sold with a disclaimer that they will give you these qualities while running.

In my four years at Goshen College, I have learned a lot about servant leadership, making Chaco sandals with socks a fashion statement and the diverse diet of squirrels. I did not expect to stumble upon such a fashion capital at the Rec-Fit Center while in my last semester.

I have been greatly out-run in speed and distance by each and every one of these old men wearing short-shorts. I guess this is a sign Goshen College is still a place full of mysteries and new discoveries.

I have yet to invest into a pair of these infamous shorts, but look forward to seeing them in next year’s international fashion shows.