Do you crave attention? Do your peers consider you “cringe?” Are you self-conscious about your appearance and/or mannerisms? Do you wish to fit in with the elusive “popular crowd?”

Fear no more; you’re not alone. For many GC students, the answer to these questions is a resounding yes. I’m here to help. 

Just follow these “tips and tricks,” you’ll be well on your way to becoming a member of the famed “it” circle in no time!

1. Talk really loudly. The first step in achieving and maintaining popularity is becoming well-known. Got something to say? Make sure everyone hears it. Having a private conversation? Broadcast it throughout the halls. Any publicity is good publicity.

2. Play mobile phone games. The cellular telephone is a pinnacle of modern technology. In a fast-moving world, it has become truly essential for productivity and communication. With students and staff alike employing these devices, the mobile phone has become a new hub of gaming culture at GC. Success in quintessential mobile games such as “Super Auto Pets” and “Mario Kart Tour” has garnered prestige and romantic achievement for many “popular crowd” members. You could be next!

3. Never use the knife to carry food to the mouth. Partaking at one of our fine-dining options on campus? Utilizing utensils with maximum efficiency and decorum requires the utmost care and regard. The knife should be reserved for cutting and cutting alone. Any usage of it for eating purposes may result in blushing and/or humiliation.

4. Talk about people behind their back. One of the key steps in becoming popular is bringing down others around you. Talking negatively about classmates without their knowledge will help to establish dominance among peers while avoiding those pesky face-to-face interactions. It’s a win-win!

5. Sport a stylish tote bag. Recently, members of the “in” crowd have been seen wearing tote bags, as opposed to the traditional “back-pack.” Get your hands on one of these convenient, classy knapsacks before stores run out of stock!

6. Let your laundry pile up. Thinking about doing your laundry? Think again. Just give it another week. You can re-wear those jeans one more time. Just throw your coat on top of the laundry pile so no one can see it. Problem solved!

7. Don’t be a nerd. Do you complete assignments in a timely fashion? Do peers and professors alike laud you for your valuable, insightful contributions to classroom discussions? What are you, a dweeb, bro? You sound like a major dork! You care about school? You are a loser! Why don’t you get a life?

Now run along little darling. I’ve got business to attend to. Keep an open heart, and a steady hand. Employ my tips with care, or throw them to the curbside. Just don’t come crying to me. I’ve done what I can.