Well, my dear readers, round no. 2 came to a close on Sunday evening, and it was a doozy. Until the last moment, I had no idea who would emerge victorious. One voter astutely noted that “Doug Caskey brings the element of surprise.” Although Caskey is one of the fallen, our voter isn’t wrong — this round certainly brought some surprising results.

Our deepest condolences to Jose Rocha, former associate professor of music, and Bill Minter, Merry Lea director of land management, who also both lost. However, voters did make note of of Rocha’s “fiery cello fury.” I myself have heard Jose kill it on a recorder. 

And rest assured, Bill — we’ve heard rumors of your toughness all the way from Merry Lea. One of the voters noted that Minter “protects those 1200 acres without mercy [and] sprays herbicide unflinchingly.” They warned us to be careful, lest we be hit with some glyphosate for “acting invasive.” What’s glyphosate? I certainly don’t want to find out!

The most contentious battle was between Minter and Susan Setiawan, associate professor of nursing. For the longest time, they were deadlocked at 50/50. One vote tipped the scales in Setiawan’s favor. 

I decided to sit down with Susan to get her take on what makes her tougher than Bill. She had absolutely no idea. She assured me she wasn’t tough at all. I wasn’t convinced. I knew there had to be a hidden toughness to Susan. Together, we figured it out: Susan is mentally tough. You may not have a hard test in one of her classes, but you sure are gonna use that noggin!

Interestingly, several voters wanted to make sure I knew the hidden tough nature of their profs. One voter said, “Jerrell looks innocent, but I know better.” Since Jerrell won his round, I think it’s safe to say that the campus agrees. In a close competition, Joe Liechty emerged victorious over Scott Hochstetler, with a voter warning us that “you never want to waffle around with Joe.” Another voter also noted that Joe — so passionate about the proper use of Turabian style — is not above invoking it as God’s will.

By far, the most shuddering take is one on John Roth. A voter sadly lamented that “John Roth will give you the kindest smile as he destroys your GPA, and you’ll still love his class.” My dear voter, I understand all too well as a fellow Wyse 3rd-dweller. 

Others took this opportunity to throw shade at fellow students. In reference to Paul Meyer Reimer, one person felt that “anyone who raises Ben Meyer Reimer has earned mad respect.” 

In all caps, one voter passionately exclaimed, “WHAT ABOUT DAN SMITH.” Don’t worry, dear voter. You can vote for Dan Smith in the next round.