In the past two years, Goshen College students have been subjected to two great losses of our generation. First, the video platform Vine (may it rest in peace), characterized by short, six-second video clips. Vine provided us with classic content like “yeet” and “on fleek” and brightened our days with videos of dumb teens shouting “#doitforthevine” before promptly being hospitalized. Known for making time fly and curing depression, Vine’s deletion devastated millions across the globe.

I regret to inform the Goshen College community that we have suffered yet another vine loss. Kulp, the oldest residence hall on campus, has been weeded of her glorious vines. Stripped bare, Kulp is as naked as she was in 1906. A building full of memories and bats, Kulp’s defining feature has been taken from her.

The baby boomers have killed yet another expression of individuality. What’s worse, these vines housed the infamous Kulp bats. Rest assured my dear readers, I’ve been told the bats have found a new home in the Music Center. Watch out sopranos!

What will Physical Plant do next? Will they wage an all out war against the bats? Put an elevator in Coffman? Fix the broken clock in Wyse 123? Install a consistently functioning elevator in the Administration Building?

My peers, first they took our vines. Next, they’re coming for our bats. Who knows what’s after that? The boomers are coming. And they know how to use tools.