In the weeks following both my headline debut in the Conscientious Objector (well-written if not mildly misrepresentative of my summer adventures, dear Maeyken Wens) as well as the stunningly magnificent performance by the Wyse 3rd professors at Kick-Off, I have realized my ultimate goal for life-after-college-as-a-PJCS-major-please-stop-asking-me-what-I-am-going-to-do-as-if-there-is-a-cookie-cutter-job-opportunity-for-me-there-are-a-TON-of-options-and-that-is-just-how-I-like-it… my ultimate goal for life-after-college is to become a Wyse 3rd pop culture groupie.

I believe that this is possible because… well, lemme show you a few things:

1.   Uh, I’ve already got the gateway pass to the stellar Wyse 318 and 319 where I spend most of my academic life.

2.   By the time I graduate, I will have taken a course with every peace, justice, conflict studies, history, and Bible, religion and philosophy professor (and even some of the adjuncts… except BYCPMF (Bob Yoder, campus pastor, mentor and friend).

3.   I rock the single ladies dance.  I’m the dancing queen.

4.   I’ve been working on growing out my facial hair like Paul Keim for the last 21 years.  I think I’m almost there.

5.   And maybe most important of all, like the Wyse 3rd groupies, I’m super hip and I’m ALL about that pop-culture knowledge, particularly when it comes to tea and/or SNL skits.

I’ll be honest; I wouldn’t have ever imagined that my dear professors could pull off such an impressive performance. But much to my surprise, Carolyn Schrock-Shenk was killing it up there (Excuse my violent language, she was rockin’ it out.), Jo-Ann Brant, well, she can’t stop, and good ole Keith Graber-Miller, he just put his hands up like the ceiling couldn’t even hold him.

Naturally, the competition for this position is stiff. The application process is typically equal to that of studying for the GRE or the MCAT, so I will be spending the rest of my waking moments of my senior year holed up in my room writing forty page theses, book reviews and reading reflections out the wazoo (wait, I already do that) whilst going through boxes of tissues as I try and answer the age-old question, where is the love? My answer: I don’t know.

I expect that with this plan of study I will successfully achieve my goals and–like a boss–will be recognized as the next great Wyse 3rd-er, taking my place beside the jovial John D. Roth, the generous Joe Liechty, the regal Regina Shands Stolzfus and the other Wyse 3rd groupies.

* Disclaimer: I am NOT pop culture savvy. But if you count up the number of pop-culture references (or references that you see and are able to convince me of) in this article and email me, you may receive a treat.