“Never point a loaded mustache at a woman you aren’t ready to date”

-Stuart Graber

Since the beginning of time, men and boys of all ages have dreamt of one day owning a mustache of their very own. Besides the obvious increase in attractiveness that comes with growing a ‘stache, mustaches have a number of lesser-known benefits.

Firstly, many a ‘stache owner will testify to the warmth a good old-fashioned lip scarf can bring. Secondly, a well-manicured mustache provides an excellent storage place for a light afternoon snack; I once kept a wheel of Swiss cheese in my ‘stache until it had aged sufficiently to eat. Finally, a well-combed mouth-brow always trumps experience when it comes to applying for jobs such as ice-cream truck drivers, policemen and firemen. A more conclusive list of benefits could truly fill many books.

Now that I’ve convinced you to begin growing a ‘stache, I will explain the delicate process of doing so. The first step is simply refusing to shave your upper lip—if you are able to grow facial hair, this will undoubtedly result in a mustache.

Sooner or later your lip-garden is going to need some trimming; herein lies the first dilemma. Many a man has spent hours, if not days, debating what kind of mustache to sport. In the hopes of making this decision easier I will explain the nuances between several styles. My personal favorite is the “Crustache;” this little thing of beauty is available to almost all college males. Besides making you seem much more mature, the Crustache inevitably will result in an exponential increase of friends.

Another excellent choice would be the “Walrus.” This is a style choice for only the very bold. To grow a Walrus, also known as the personal soup-strainer, one must simply allow the Crustache to continue growing, never trimming or stylizing it. While growing a Walrus ‘stache, you will immediately notice others whispering about the furry animal living under your nose. Don’t worry, they are most likely admiring your sense of style.

The last mustache is only for those who have reached the upper echelons of society. The “Freestyle” ‘stache allows a man to truly express his inner artist. To create the Freestyle, one simply twists a bit of wax into the mustache and goes nuts. Although this mustache comes with great risk, the benefits and possibilities are endless.

From the Crustache to the Freestyle, mustaches have long been a part of the human race. After seeing the obvious benefits of maintaining a ‘stache, I hope that you will do your part for society and grow one. For as Mike Zehr once said, “A man without a mustache is like a car without seat warmers—it’s alright, it just doesn’t feel as good.”