Tears expected, mean jokes encouraged.

An exciting time has arrived on campus, indeed. Coming only once a year and typified by the spotting of scrubs and the squeaking of Shape-ups, it is none other than the Annual Goshen College Mock Nursing Convention.

On Friday, Feb. 10, Goshen College nursing majors will be gathering at 7:30 a.m. to be ridiculed, demeaned and most importantly, mocked. From their ill-fitting scrubs to their general absenteeism, there is enough material here for even the most amateur of roasters. However, many good jokes cannot come about without healthy dialogue, imagination and a pointer or two. Here are a few tips — hopefully enough to sufficiently prep the student body for the Mock Nursing Convention this Friday.

Insult their attire

This one is a little obvious — but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be used.  Nurses wear scrubs that fit about as well as old pillowcases and are about as fashionable as your standard shopper at the Wellington, Kan., Wal-Mart.  And the shoes … wuf. They may call their Crocs “comfortable,” but I call them the worst invention since the vibrating ab belt.

Paging Mr. uh, Mr. uh…

The male-to-female ratio of the nursing department remains lower than that of the weekly Rec-Fit Zumba class (thank you, Kent Palmer) and a good Friday morning activity might be to identify the four (count them on one hand) male nursing students. What is this, anyway? A Cyndi Lauper music video?

The fantastic disappearing nursing major

Nursing majors are hard to spot and typically found in dark (yet surprisingly well-lit!) empty nooks where they can study for hours.

This leaves their skin pasty, their pupils dilated and them mumbling about the pros and cons of opioid analgesics and the merits of its pain control.  While there are a considerable number of nursing majors on campus, consider yourself lucky to see them — especially if they are away from Wyse Hall or the Harold and Wilma Good Library.

Well, that’s enough group review. Prep yourself tonight, get a good night’s rest and head out bright and early Friday morning ready to bad-mouth and belittle at the 41st Annual Mock Nursing Convention.

By Daniel Penner

Funnies Editor