The spring musical “Into the Woods,” opens tomorrow night in Umble Center! How exciting for theater kids! I know very little about the actual plot of the show, but I do remember watching the movie when it came out in 2014. I remember that James Corden was in it, and they said the line “Into the woods and home before dark” quite a lot. Despite knowing nothing else, I still think I am qualified to write a Goshen College version of this musical. So without further ado, here is the summary of my proposed musical that I suggest the theater department put on next year.
Into the Good (Library):
Act I, Scene One: We meet our hero, a timid first-year who doesn’t know what they will be majoring in yet. Their name is Maple. Maple is walking around campus one evening when she notices something strange happening on the KMY Lawn. Is that … a bunch of students vandalizing library books? Maple breaks into song, singing the heartfelt “Don’t Vandalize Precious Library Books,” a dramatic ballad in which Maple learns to use her voice to fight against injustice. Maple rushes to try and prevent the destruction of intellectual property.
Act I, Scene Two: Maple meets Acorn, another student hoping to stop the book vandalizing, but Acorn is completely different from Maple. In fact, they hate each other, but it seems they are stuck together, because everyone else on campus doesn’t seem to care too much about the book vandalizing. They sing the song “I Hate You But We Are Stuck on This Project Together,” a humorous diddy that is reminiscent of far too many group projects.
Act I, Scene Three: James Corden shows up! He says the iconic line (modified): “Into the Good Library everyone, and home before dark!” Corden is actually playing the role of Jeremy Corson, since both of their initials are J.C. In our tale, Chef Corden is the Cinderella figure. He has been longing to go to this fancy banquet but instead is stuck cooking food for everyone on campus, while his stepsisters, named Chocolate and Vanilla, are preparing for an evening of delicious food. While following his stepsisters around, he notices they are part of a group of students vandalizing books. He thinks that if he can get them in trouble for their nefarious wrongdoings, he might finally get to go to the fancy banquet! Chef Corden, Maple and Acorn try to carry as many books as they can back to the library, but then the evil witch known as Norfolk Southern shows up. She sings a song called “Get Out of My Way or I Will Run You Over” that sounds more or less like train whistles.
Act II, Scene One: Maple, Acorn and Chef Corden have to traverse through the underpass to get away from Norfolk Southern, but the underpass is full of water and leaves. This difficult journey sparks the big dance number, “All These Wet Leaves Are Touching Me and I Want to Go Home.” Somehow they make it through the underpass, thanks to the power of dance, and, after a difficult climb, have made it to the other side. They are almost at their destination!
Act II, Scene Two: Finally, they make it into the Good Library. Fritz is there. He is so thankful to them for saving all of the books that he changes the name of the library to the Maple Acorn James Corden Library. It’s a significantly worse name. Oh, also, Norfolk Southern decided to terrorize another community and left of her own accord, so that worked out. Everyone hugs and then sits down together to read books, singing the final song “Libraries Play an Important Role in Making Our Communities Stronger and We Should Protect Them At All Cost.” Maple and Acorn end up falling in love, and Fritz officiates their wedding. Chef Corden gets to attend the fancy banquet after all because Chocolate and Vanilla were expelled for destroying books. And they all lived happily ever after!
The end!
Obviously this is just a rough idea, but I look forward to collaborating with the theater department in the future. And make sure to go to see the actual “Into the Woods” this weekend and next weekend! I’m sure it will be almost as good as my version!
