“This is Lucas Nafziger and I love corn chips and owls!”

–Lucas Nafziger

“Hi, this is Noah Weaver-Dyck and I would just like to say that I was just informed that in our RA training, we were told that any infraction of the community standards needs to be reported to the RD immediately. In fact, this is a violation of the community standards since a witness of the violation of the community standards is supposed to confront the perpetrator and work out a solution that is in keeping with the community standards personally between the two, such that no further action be taken. I encourage all students to read the community standards and strictly adhere to its guidelines, since this really is the foundation upon which our community bases its behavior and its moral standings. Thank you.”

–Noah WD

“This is Phil Stoesz and I am in search of another couple who is engaged that I can hang out with, and have good times with. Nothing weird though. Just to let you know that. Also, Laura is here, just to let you know. I don’t swing both ways. Just one way. That doesn’t mean that I’m narrow. I would be OK with other ways. But personally, I just swing towards Marlys. Who is my fiancé. Just to say that. This is Phil Stoesz by the way. And I’m in love.”

–Phil Stoesz

“My name is Phil Stoesz and I’m of the distinct opinion that corn chips and owls are pretentious.”

–Phil Stoesz

“This is Lucas Nafziger and I wanna let you know that Phil Stoesz is bald face liar!”

-Lucas Nafziger

“My name is Phil Stoetz and you need to know that Lucas Nafziger will always be my bro. And I love him in the depths of my heart.”

-Phil Stoesz

“Hello, my name is Lucas Nafziger and I’m under the opinion that Phil Stoetz is faaar too pretentious to be commenting about corn chips and owls. And if he calls in again to Inside/Outside voices you will know for a fact that he is a pretentious, pretentious man. Not a gentleman, mind you, but a man. Of little honor.”

-Lucas Nafziger

“This is Phil Stoesz and love is the most powerful force in the universe. And even if I may be pretentious at times, I really do truly love all of you. Especially Marlys Weaver.”

-Phil Stoesz

“This is Lucas Nafziger and I’d like to say that the hardest part of teaching is not laughing at the fart jokes.”

-Lucas Nafziger

“The first time I met Phil Stoesz, I actually read part of his bio, and I thought ‘This guy sounds like an idiot!’And it turns out, he’s actually pretty cool. I say my name? But I don’t even go to that school! (Phil and Lucas start shouting…) My name is Keith Grubaugh! And I’m Awesome! (Back to Keith again) Kind of true.

–Keith Grubaugh, Lucas Nafziger and Phil Stoesz

“Hey, it’s Tim Landes. I would like to share with everybody the delicious recipe for ginger tea. First of all, put the kettle on to boil. Then, grate fresh ginger into a mug. Add cloves and cinnamon sticks and let steep five minutes. Then add a little bit of honey and you have delicious ginger tea.”

-Tim Landes

“My name is Phil Stoesz and my name is Lucas Nafziger and we’re hugging and we love each other. Awwwwwwww.”

–Phil Stoesz and Lucas Nafziger

“This is Laurie Schlabach and I’m Editor of The Record and I have cheese in my water. Mmm how ridiculous! How absurd, how preposterous! So much cheese you could call it legen…..wait for it……dary.”

–Lucas Nafziger pretending to be Laura Schlabach

“Hello, this is Matthew Amstutz, Jeffrey Yoder, Josh Delp and Logan Simenson and we would just like to say, would just like to say that the hills are alive with the sound of music. AH AHH AHH AHHHH!! Um, yeah, I just wanted to say how gorgeous the weather’s been in the last few weeks in Goshen, Indiana and specifically at Goshen College and I just really appreciate it. And this has been Matthew Amstutz. Thank you, bye.”

–Various Goshen College students including the ones mentioned above

“Hi, this is Jeff Yoder calling and I just wanted to say I am pretty disturbed by the bifolds that sit on the, uh, cover tables at night. One of the bifolds was about Honduras and one of the “fun facts” was that it’s the second poorest nation in Latin America and so, it just seems that it isn’t very “fun” to me. So, alright, thanks.”

–Jeff Yoder

“Uh, hey, Inside/Outside voices? It’s me, Josh Delp. Yo. You’re really cool, but, like, I don’t know, I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Elkhart Truth recently and, like, I don’t know, I just don’t see where this is going. Like, honestly, you’re still like my newspaper, but like, I don’t know. Elkhart Truth is my primary news source now. So, like, I don’t know. I’ll see you around. Bye.”

-Josh Delp

“Hi, this is Trish and Emily and we say that you know you’re pushing the limits in your desk chair when you lean back and forget just how far you lean back. And you lean back some more and the next think you know, you’re on the floor. (high pitched giggling…) That was awesooome!”

–Trisha Handrich