I’ve officially run into the dilemma of actually having to do my own work for school. Lord knows I love to slack off on homework, but I do it with dignity. These days I find myself yawning off at my class readings, but I stand by my morals and refuse to have AI summarize it for me. Thanks to Sam Altman, it seems that all forms of cheating have been overrun by non-human gibberish!

Listen, I’m not opposed to cutting corners on school-work, but I do it with pride — there are certain pathways that you need to follow. Like most, I am a huge advocate for academic dishonesty. You know, like when you pick a nerd in your class, twist them around your finger, convince them they are popular, hand them some cash and make them do your homework for you. This is how it has always been! I can’t recall the last time I picked up my own pencil.

However, I have seen a lot of students become lazy in their dishonesty. They would rather have AI summarize their required reading then pay some twerp to take notes for them. This generation of delinquents doesn’t know what it takes to bribe a teacher to look past thirty missing assignments. Academic dishonesty is a lifestyle and AI is making a mockery of it.

Now, the status quo is all out of order. Nerds have only one set of homework to do; jocks’ pockets are full and they’re getting the A-grade; and writers are no longer endlessly complimented on their work but rather being questioned if the work is original.

The only question of original work should go as such:

Professor: “Was this paper really written by (insert any baseball player) or did he pay off (insert any annoying English major) to do it for him?”

It may seem to you that AI is the latest and greatest improvement in the cheating and short-cut industry, but in reality it is stealing jobs and learning opportunities. Oh, and also destroying our environment and streamlining war crimes … but more importantly, who is going to give that dweeb in your class a sense of belonging and purpose? That’s up to you. So the next time you are ready to violate your syllabus, do it with integrity, do it with honor.