Similar to the “speak-out” section of Goshen’s finest publication, The Paper, Goshen College has its own anonymous call-in line. Here, people can speak their minds and make their opinions heard. Not really, but if we did, it might look something like this:

Hanky Panky

I do night rounds for GC Security on Goshen’s campus and I am just appalled. Too many nights as I go through the dorms, I see first-years getting too intimate in the Miller connectors. Can’t they just go to a drive-in movie? I can never seem to catch them in the act of the hanky panky, though. Somehow they always know I’m coming.

Turkey Bowl Disgrace

Things are just getting crazier and crazier with this anthem nonsense. I passed by the GC Intramural Turkey Bowl Tournament last semester and I saw a game start without playing the national anthem. I even saw Caleb Liechty kneel to tie his shoelaces, in an act of blatant disrespect to everything touch football stands for. You can count on me to never pay the ridiculous price for intramural tickets ever again. I’ll be burning my Chad Coleman jersey. (JK, Chad. Your jersey is still hanging in my room.)

Poison In Our Water

Wake up, Goshen! Hasn’t anybody noticed that the fountains on campus have turned off? Where was that water coming from? The administration wants to keep us in the dark about where the water comes from for those fountains. The water probably got turned off because the fountains were full of deadly chemicals, or worse, liquor.

Liberal Brainwashing

Has anybody else heard about what that madman professor “Kinky Keith” Graber-Miller is teaching kids at the local liberal cesspool, GC? He’s teaching our town’s youth deeply immoral messages like respecting others’ bodies and not being ashamed of your sexuality. And this “consent” baloney. “Yes means yes?” I would ask you — “Are more kids acting on the carnal urges from Hell?” YES.

Good Riddance Spring Kickoff

I would like to applaud CAC’s decision to cut Kickoff to once per year. The student body was getting sick of dressing up and seeing our peers perform a variety of well-rehearsed acts. We’ve had enough of Hugh Birky’s mind-bending magic tricks! He’s a witch! And don’t get me started on the campus unity that Kickoff inspires. Truly disgusting! I think I speak for all of us when I say it was a real shame to see people bring prospies to kickoff. That’s not what we want to be promoting!

Dorm Life Pro-tip

This is a PSA to other overly-touchy first-year couples. If you’re looking for a way to get far too physical in the connectors late at night but are worried about getting caught by a night-shift security officer, just listen for the jangling keys. It’ll always give you time to button up your PJ’s.

with help from Mark Kreider