Earlier this week, Goshen College announced a tuition hike for the 2013-2014 school year that was met by a number of varied responses.
Stuart Graber, a junior informatics major—always the optimist—responded in favor of the decision. “As long as they don’t take my gaming arm, I’ll be fine!”Others did not share this optimistic attitude. “I was all right giving up an arm,” says Brian “the Lion” O’Leary, senior Bible and Religion major, “but without my leg there would be nothing to attach my foot to my body. That’s just messed up.”
An economics professor who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “It seems fairly short-sighted to accept appendages as payment. The market for arms and legs is simply not what it used to be.”
Although unwelcome, the decision to increase tuition was not unexpected. An insider within the finance department commented, “Yeah, this usually happens–inflation and stuff.”
Attention was also drawn to the fact that any arm and leg would suffice. “We’re not to0 picky,” a GC spokesperson said on Tuesday. “As long as each limb has five digits, we’ll be happy.”
The decision to increase tuition from simply one arm to both an arm and a leg has put the Athletic Department in a bind. “It’s really hard to find athletes willing to give up a leg to attend GC,” said Arielle Zerger, RFC front desk employee. “I mean, I don’t play soccer, but it seems like both legs would come in handy.”
In response, the GC administration is considering allowing athletes to substitute an appendage, so long as they receive two. Jimmy, a high school senior born with only one arm, will be changing his plans to attend GC in the fall. “It was always my dream to attend Goshen College,” Jimmy said, “but unfortunately, only students with both an arm and a leg will be accepted.”
