In a life full of turbulence and change, few things remain steady. Of those constants, the noblest is undoubtedly a bowl of cereal.Nobody knows this better than college students. We appreciate the many uses, including (but not limited to) a low-effort meal, post-workout treat, dessert, or midnight snack to briefly alleviate the crushing stress of an imminent project deadline. Luckily, the Rott is always here with its unending supply of nutritionally dubious grain.
That being said, the folks at Westlawn are constantly switching up the rotation. The cereal section has a solid lineup that varies throughout the year, so you’re always guaranteed to find something good. Also, I’m delighted to announce that after last year’s temporary switch to name-brand, single-serving cereal cups, many of our old favorites have returned!
For the first time this semester, I made the trek to the dining hall and sat myself down with five bowls of cereal and the mindset of a food critic.
I now offer you a comprehensive and incredibly biased rating of the five cereals currently available at the Rott.*
Frosted Mini Spooners 4/5
Flavor: Cardboard, but with enough sugar to make it a net positive experience.
Texture: Get ready for a jaw workout.
Sogginess: Best eaten quickly. You don’t want to end up with sodden lumps of stringy wheat.
Additional notes: These are located in a container separate from the rest of the cereals. There’s likely a reason for this. Take that as you will.
Raisin Bran 3/5
Flavor: The only option that feels like eating something actually derived from nature.
Texture: Nice broad flakes. Chewy raisins ruin the vibe.
Sogginess: Remains crispy for quite a while, but it feels like eating cold oatmeal once they’re soggy. Surprisingly, this isn’t as bad as it sounds.
Additional notes: Hear me out. Raisins are their fatal flaw, for sure. Nobody’s disputing that. Despite this, I think Raisin Bran is the most likely of these cereals to be given a second chance when I need some variety in my life.
Berry Colossal Crunch 1/5
Flavor: Overcompensation. Artificial berry taste reaches ridiculous levels.
Texture: Good initial crunch, non-uniformly-sized pieces. This is immediately canceled out by the residue it leaves on the roof of the mouth.
Sogginess: Doesn’t really get super soggy. Instead, it gets slimy, which is absolutely horrific.
Additional notes: The little colorful crumbs left behind once the cereal is finished make the milk look fun.
Crispy Rice 2/5
Flavor: Nostalgia. Perfect if you want something inoffensive, like when you have a headache or upset stomach.
Texture: Not as crispy as you’d think.
Sogginess: Initial crunch decreases exponentially.
Additional notes: Crackles upon contact with milk, as advertised. Needs more cereal per oz of milk for the ideal ratio. Not super visually appealing.
Fruity Dyno Bites 5/5
Flavor: There’s a reason everybody likes these.
Texture: Very dense. A little goes a long way.
Sogginess: Best enjoyed in several smaller portions to keep ‘em crispy.
Additional notes: The first time I tried them, they gave me a stomachache. The next day, I craved them anyway, and the rest is history.
*Honorable mentions that are missing from the current lineup include Marshmallow Mateys, Coco-Roos, and Frosted Flakes. Ironically, those are the only ones that come close to competing for a 5/5.