Dear loyal readers, 

It is I, Greta Lapp Klassen. Have you missed me? Probably. Unfortunately, I really shouldn’t be here … it’s not very professional. In fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, if it weren’t for a disastrous error I made last week. The following is an explanation and a plea for forgiveness. Thank you in advance for your consideration and understanding. 

A little backstory: during my first semester as Funnies editor, I wrote a beautiful ten-part saga documenting a “fictional” investigation into the “fictional” secret society that secretly controls the entire college. Emphasis on “fictional.” Sadly, my exposé never got published, and the drafts still sit in my Google Drive, untouched. 

You see, I was told by my superiors that we could not publish anything that wasn’t based in “reality.” I was heartbroken, but I understood that there were greater forces at play … it appeared the secret society I was trying to expose was still silencing the voices of opposition. 

Sorry, I mean … it was TOTALLY understandable, considering what I wrote was entirely “fictionalized!” 

Anyway, ever since this initial incident, I have been highly cautious about publishing anything that might be considered fictional. After all, as executive editor, all breaches of protocol are my responsibility. So last week, when I was proof-reading the piece written by Erica regarding the pranks played on Rustin Nyce, I was alarmed. 

You see, I don’t know Rustin. I don’t really understand how the cross country team works. Does anyone? It didn’t even cross my mind that Rustin could have ACTUALLY written that letter. After all, most of the runners I know have absolutely no sense of humor — they enjoy pain too much. 

I tried to contact Erica and Eli to ask if they had permission to publish this (presumably) fictional letter, but one of them has a very early bedtime, and the other has a phone that doesn’t always work (you guess which is which). 

So, I made an executive decision. I decided to put a note at the bottom of the piece declaring that it was fictional and that we had received permission, even though I was pretty sure we hadn’t. I figured we could just talk to Rustin the next day and smooth things out. Problem solved. 

And then, on Friday, I learned that Rustin actually DID write the letter! Runners CAN have a sense of humor! Imagine my distress when I realized! I published a bold-face lie with the motive of saving my own dignity! Even worse, I doubted the integrity of my phenomenal and highly skilled Funnies editors! How embarrassing. 

So I beg for your forgiveness. Please give Rustin the credit he deserves for being a funny man. I promise to never doubt the extreme lengths that the cross country team will go to in order to harass their poor coach.