I had no idea that when I agreed to be the funnies editor this semester I was actually agreeing to revealing all of my deepest secrets in the name of humor. I had grand hopes that other people would write funnies for me, but I guess some people (*cough cough Ethan Lapp cough*) aren’t up to the task. Anyway, since I couldn’t think of anything else to write about this week, I decided to publicly confess the truth about my identity.  

I am a terrible vegetarian. 

When I was in high school, I was devout. I ate beans and lentils and avoided meat at all costs. I had incredible self-control. I also had a severe iron deficiency and fainted one time, but at least I was doing something I believed in. 

After a year or so, I wasn’t even tempted by meat. I would take a veggie burger over an actual burger any day. I had plans to be a vegetarian for my whole life and to eventually go vegan. I could see the future before me, and I embraced it wholeheartedly. 

Then everything changed. 

I moved to Bolivia for a year, a country whose diet is about 80 percent meat, 10 percent carbs, 5 percent vegetables and 5 percent Coca-Cola. I embraced the diet there, justifying my personality change as a “respectful decision in the name of cultural immersion.” However, there were small signs that the switch wasn’t only for the people around me. When I would go to a restaurant with vegetarian options, even really appetizing ones, I would still choose the meat. I would sometimes get seconds or even thirds. I became a bloodthirsty carnivore all on my own! When in Rome, right?

My host family would laugh hysterically when I would tell them that I had been a vegetarian, and I quickly joined in. What did I even eat before? Carrots? 

Once the year was up, I returned to the U.S. of A. ready to repent and embrace my old identity. But before I committed to vegetarianism again, I gave myself a brief window to eat all the meat I wanted, like steak tacos, gyros, butter chicken, BLTs (no tomatoes)…you name it. The two-week window expanded to three weeks and then four. I set another deadline: when I started the semester, I would become a vegetarian, this time for real. 

First semester started. I was okay for a while. Occasionally, I would eat a little meat, but it was no big deal. Just a bite here and there. Plus, usually it was local. That’s good! It was totally fine.

Then, around the holidays, things started to get out of hand. I don’t have any data on how much it was, but let’s just say I ate a lot of meat. And not much of it was local…Okay, fine, you caught me! I ordered a sausage McMuffin from McDonald’s!! Sue me!!

I set another deadline — a “New Year’s Resolution,” if you will. 2020 would be the year of my rekindled environmentalism.

Well folks, here we are, January 30th, and I must confess that I have eaten quite a lot of meat in the last month, probably the equivalent of a whole chicken. I truly am an embarrassment, the shame of the vegetarian community. I’m so sorry. 

Now that you know the truth, I beg that you are merciful to me. I promise that I am not a bad person deep down!! Hate the sin, not the sinner, right? Ahaha. Yes.