“Art Club is, definitely and defendable-y, the best club on campus,” said Naomi Gross when asked about her favorite thing to do on Thursday nights at 9 p.m.

Gross attended Art Club once a couple weeks ago after Art Club’s current co-president, Laura Miller, threatened her with an intimidating “zombie dance.”

“It was terrifying. I thought she was going to shimmy me to my grave,” Gross said, shuddering.

Miller also guaranteed that there would be scantily clad students rubbing paint on one another’s bodies.

“Who doesn’t like the cold creepy feeling of Crayola paint on one’s skin, put there by someone you honestly don’t know very well?” Gross asked, not rhetorically.

Peter Wise, first-year and Josh-Jantzi-look-alike, echoed Gross’s answer.

“Laura and Maddie are the best!” Wise exclaimed, with his usual level of enthusiasm.

The rumors are true; after taking on leadership of Art Club at the beginning of this semester, Laura Miller and I decided the best way to increase attendance and publicity at Art Club was to a) threaten others and b) up the sex appeal.

Unfortunately, intimidation techniques such as nabbing all of the Rott cookies, putting goldfish in the Miller 3 restroom sinks, setting off fire alarms and removing wet clothes from the washers all proved unsuccessful.

Chosen amongst many, the following represent the best of Laura and my ideas to sex-ify Art Club:

1. Photocopy Art Club participants’ nude rears, sign them “COME TO ART CLUB” and scatter them across campus. Can you link the booty to the participant? #ARTthouYourBooty?

2. Create anatomically correct, phallic potato stamps. (This feat has already been accomplished—to see this artwork, please email Laura Miller at lemiller@goshen.edu)

3. Rephrase our motto to “Art Club: the only place we can take out our sexual frustration because the administration says premarital intercourse is a no-no.” #iheartgoshen

Sexify-ing Art Club has been our main success. What is, after all, more sexy and sensual than making art? Just look at the art majors; is it coincidence that they are the sexiest kids on campus? I think not.

“I have never been to Art Club, but I’m sure it’s pretty cool, I guess,” said one bright young fellow who will remain unnamed.

I think it is fair to say it has been proven; Art Club is the best club on campus. Meet Laura and me on the top floor of the visual arts building on Thursday night at 9 p.m. to witness the creation of truly sexy art.