To those who write, publish and distribute this sad excuse for a legitimate publication, the Funnies page demands and that you cease and desist the production of the “Conscientious Objector.” Armed with misquotes, libel and a bootlegged copy of Photoshop, you are dragging the institution of journalism through a messy, muddy ditch… surely somewhere, a tear is slowly trickling down Joseph Pulitzer’s beautiful, mustachioed face.

Printed campus comedy must be limited to the 13 by 20 inch space on page seven of the Record – it cannot be spilling out on pages and pages of printed material in frequented places around campus.  It has created a surplus of comedic material… and we can only laugh so much.

Furthermore, it should not cover relevant topics like political issues and the state of liberties on campus.  Printed campus comedy must be light fluff, consisting of topics like Ramen noodles and the number of cookies that Logan refuses to share with apartment mates. This isn’t the Daily Show… people aren’t actually supposed to learn anything.

Also – what makes you think you can appropriately use social media in an engaging and interesting way? Yes, you may have 172 likes on Facebook, but when is the last time anyone paid any attention to the internet?  You have your fans now, but that is only because you post funny statuses and pictures of babies wearing funny pink onsies.  Your posts should be much more serious, updated only 2-3 times a year and only to note important events such as final issue releases and apologies to James Green for Inside/Outside Voice confusion… like that of a serious publication.

As Columbus justly claimed the New World for Spain, we too justly claim the funny on Goshen’s campus for the Record.  We at the funnies will give you seven days to stop this journalistic abomination.  You have been notified.

Perturbed and incensed,

Daniel Penner