As spring toys with the idea of making an appearance this year, the slightly warmer temperatures have put some people in the best moods they’ve been in since last semester. I am one of those people. 

However, I’m also here to tell you that there is so much more that can be done for your mental health beyond the high you get from Mother Nature blessing you with a few warm minutes of sun each week.

Oh, and as for my qualifications, I got an ‘A’ in Wellness for Life, and I’m pretty sure we talked about mental health in that class. I don’t actually really remember — that was like three years ago.

Anyway, the first step is to download and use as many social media platforms as you possibly can. You think you have a lot already? Five or six is nothing: you need at least 15. 

You also have to rack up nine or more hours of screen time per day on your phone — you spent all that money on it for a reason. This will keep you meaningfully connected with all of the people in your life without ever needing to interact with them!

While we’re on the topic, I feel the need to mention something that has come up ever since the invention of the like button: you should never measure anyone’s value as a person (especially your own) with something superficial like the amount of likes they have on social media. It has to be something truly genuine and meaningful, like followers.

Next up, cut out any and all exercise. The modern push for everyone to start exercising so much was schemed up by weight machine companies to boost sales and by the agriculture industry to distract you from the fact that sugar is killing you (okay, this one is actually true). 

In any case, when you exercise, it sends perfectly good blood to your muscles that would be better spent going to your brain to make you less sad. Try moving your body as little as possible on a daily basis.

Sleep is another thing with a lot of bad information and pseudoscience out there. Talk all you want about a solid eight hours and the health benefits — absolutely nothing can distract me from the fact that when I go to sleep, sometimes I get nightmares, and nightmares are scary. 

I supplement every hour of sleep I skip (to avoid the high-stakes gamble known as dreaming) with 200 milligrams of caffeine, but your results may vary.

As a final note, I think that the best general advice I can give you is that you don’t really want to set any goals for yourself, as they can cause unnecessary stress. Even setting a goal to improve your mental health adds stress to your life, which in turn can worsen your mental health — it’s a complete scam.

If you want to achieve something, try out passively thinking about it for a couple of years and see if you end up doing it — and hey, if you don’t, it’s not like you failed at anything.

It’s better to just sort of aimlessly float through life and hope that peace and happiness find you somewhere along the way.