Dear Reader,
Like you, I have been reading The Record, and like you, I have been disappointed in the Funnies Section this semester. I took it upon myself to prove that not only could the writing be done better, but that the bar was so low it could be written by a computer. The following letter to the editor was written by Artificial Intelligence. There was no human input (although it may have had some squirrel input). Do with that information what you will. I don’t really know what you want from me. Enjoy. — Tyson
To the Editors:
I am writing this letter to let you know that I am seeing some problems with the campus squirrels. I am a squirrel on the Goshen College campus and I want to share my story.
I was born on the Goshen College campus. I had two squirrel parents and lots of other squirrel friends. We all had a great time. It was a nice place to live. I was happy.
All of that changed when I was two years old. My squirrel family started to argue. I could sense some tension in the air. My squirrel parents started to argue more often. I didn’t know what to do. I remember one day we were arguing and my squirrel father was throwing things. My squirrel mother was crying. That day I ran away from home.
I went to live in the woods. I didn’t know what else to do. I also missed my squirrel family.
I stayed in the woods for a long time. There were lots of other squirrels living in the woods. We all helped one another. We were all happy.
But then I started to notice some squirrels coming out of the woods. They were all going to the same place. They were all going to the Goshen College campus. I didn’t understand why. I decided to follow them. I wanted to know what was going on.
I took the bus, like the other squirrels did. At first I was really scared. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if there was going to be a squirrel family for me to join.
There was.
It was a Goshen College squirrel family. They had a nice home. They had squirrel food. They had squirrel friends. They had squirrel fun.
I was able to join them. I was able to be happy again.
But that doesn’t mean the Goshen College campus is perfect.
I notice that there are a lot of squirrels on campus. The Goshen College squirrel family is a big one. I also notice that there are a lot of squirrels living in the woods.
I don’t understand why that is.
I think it is because squirrels are not allowed on the Goshen College campus. They are not allowed in the dorms, classrooms, dining hall, library, bookstore, science center, recreation center, chapel, etc.
The Goshen College squirrel family can’t be together. They can’t live together. They can’t be happy together. They can’t have squirrel fun together.
I don’t think that is right.
I think squirrels should be allowed on the Goshen College campus.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy like all the other Goshen College squirrels.
I don’t think that is too much to ask.
Your friend,
Goshen College Squirrel
