Since my late years in high school there has been a question that continues to leave me stumped: How do I create deeper relationships? 

As someone who grew up with few words and little space to speak them, I found it hard to talk to new people or start conversations. It has been an ongoing journey learning to step out of my comfort zone and express myself easier. Whether it was with my family, on learning tours, during SST in Indonesia, or meeting new people, I struggled to ask my own questions and was fascinated with people who came up with creative ones. 

To me, asking questions was the way to connect with people around me and create a satisfying flow of conversation. Conversations are the gateway to learning something new, sharing knowledge and experiences, being vulnerable, likable, and heard. 

I am the last in the Pérez-Diener sibling trio which people often think merits a loud, full of opinion, spoiled young sister, but it turns out to be quite the opposite. My siblings both have strong competitive personalities that usually left me on the side watching everything unfold. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that because of this, I struggle to take up space. 

When you talk, share an experience, or ask a question, you are taking space. Which is something that growing up, I didn’t do as a result of how my personality fit into the dynamics of my family. 

So in recent years I have been exercising taking up space and allowing myself to express my own opinions and curiosities. As I continue to grow older, having conversations has gotten easier, but moving from talking to connecting is something I continue to strive towards.

College is often a reset for people. A new place, with a bunch of people who don’t know you allowing you to be whoever you want. But I chose to stay in my hometown and go to a school that had the comfort of my best friend and others from my high school. I already had acquaintances which both made me confident and also prevented me from starting anew. I didn’t need to go out and start conversations with strangers because I had familiar faces across campus already. I have learned that if I want to extend my circle and get to know new people, I need to be intentional about it. 

I noticed myself getting into the loop of asking everyone I saw, “how are you?” Out of genuine curiosity and care but I realized that wasn’t getting me anywhere. Everyone asks that question to the point some dread having that question asked to them. 

I have tried to be more intentional about the conversations I have. It has helped me to think of asking questions as a skill set and is something I need to continue to practice and learn from others. 

Instead of surface level, generic, questions I’ve been trying to find more interesting, different and personal questions to ask that will make the other person think and merit a more meaningful conversation. 

Next time you run into someone, try to think of a creative way to ask them how their week is going by asking things like, what are you grateful for, what’s something exciting that happened this week or what’s draining you.

I don’t mean to prescribe a method for something that should ideally come naturally but I think our phones and other ways for communication have hindered our ability to communicate face to face in a deep and meaningful way. In my own experiences, I have found how significant intentional and thoughtful questions are. It is a little awkward to bring to light such an everyday thing but there is no denying, a good conversation goes a long way.