The REAL reason for the tents on campus

The REAL reason for the tents on campus

You might have heard that Cirque du Soleil recently filed for bankruptcy. 

Since that fateful day in June, the whole world assumed that the circus was forever lost. I personally celebrated this discovery because, despite the fact that I cried at my first (and only) Cirque show, they are still a multi-million dollar business that poisons the beauty of small indie acrobatics, not to mention their cultural appropriation! Bad news.

Anyway, I thought that was the last we’d see of them until I walked past an outdoor meeting of the pandemic task force and had to do a double take. Sitting in that elite circle was a bald man that looked strikingly like Guy Laliberte, the now destitute previous owner of Cirque du Soleil. 

I changed course and quickly popped inside the Administration Building. Knowing he was occupied outside, I had free rein of, and quickly located, his office, proceeding to snoop around.  It was a sparsely decorated office, suggesting he had recently been hired and didn’t intend to stay long. 

I gingerly stepped in front of his computer, feeling a sense of foreboding as I attempted to unlock it. Luckily, he had his GC-issued email and password written on a sticky note on the edge of the computer, confirming his identity: glaliberte@goshen.edu

The password was far more intriguing, reading CirQuEwiLLnEveRdIE. Luckily, I was prepared to decode this kind of message and quickly translated it to English: Cirque will never die! What could it mean? Cirque had died, hadn’t it? 

My dread increased, but I soldiered on, logging into his email using the same information. What I found there confirmed all my fears. I have leaked the most incriminating email here in the hopes that someone can put a stop to this madness.

 

From: [guylalbear@hotmail.com]

To: [president@goshen.edu]

Subject: position availability

 

Hello Dr. Becky,

 

I was happy to hear your interest in my Reddit advertisement. I have recently come into some assets, having closed Cirque du Soleil under the false pretense of “COVID-19 bankruptcy.” I have begun liquidating the assets of my business into Bitcoin but cannot do so expediently without drawing undue attention from the media and my recently laid-off and disgruntled acrobats. I am looking for a place to store around six circus tents, and understand many academic institutions such as yours have a financial need as well as the capability to discreetly store such structures, framing them as “COVID-19 safe outdoor meeting spaces,” conveniently keeping circus and money laundering out of the picture. You would, of course, be privy to some of the profits, which I could pay monthly in under-the-table cash sums if you create a position essentially “employing” me at your institution. 

 

Waiting for your expedient reply,

Guy

 

From: [president@goshen.edu]

To: [guylalbear@hotmail.com]

Subject: Re: position availability

 

Hello,

 

Yes.

 

Becky

 

I will let you connect the dots. If I go missing in the next few days, you know who to investigate. 

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Written by Elena Meyer Reimer, Contributing Writer

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