Not true but kind of…

Not true but kind of…

ISAAC LONGENECKER

Funnies Editor

isaacl@goshen.edu

Longenecker.Contributed

Kenneth, our new bold president spoke to the 2017-18 Goshen student body in this year’s opening convocation.

I don’t remember much of his speech not because of its quality, but because I was distracted by Achieng Agutu’s brilliant introduction. Specifically, the part where she mentioned Ken’s interests in “critical infrastructure protection, homeland security policy, and intelligence analysis.” I had made the connection before with Newbold’s slick diplomatic hair and sure-footed demeanor, but this confirmed it.

I’ll give you a hint: an acronym for a group in America that holds large amounts of unprecedented power and is not AIPAC. The answer is CIA.

After Agutu’s roaring introduction, Newbold slipped on stage in his sleek grey suit. What could be his interest in Goshen College? Our study abroad program, SST, has drawn a lot of recognition in recent years being ranked fourth nationally. Is it too far of a stretch to suggest the possibility of SST now being used as a front to gain intelligence on foreign countries? After I asked Spencer Aeschliman, a junior, a leading question, he responded, “If there were one person I would suspect of CIA on campus, it would be Dr. Kenneth Newbold.”

After Newbold’s speech, he was promptly lead outside to where he continued the tradition of being dunked in the Schrock Plaza fountain. The “dunk” (more of a cautious dip) was confusing for a couple freshman. One person was overheard saying, “Is he being baptized?”

Then again, I wouldn’t be the one to throw potential CIA agent and interim President Newbold into the water.

Record
Written by Record

No comments yet.

No one have left a comment for this post yet!

Leave a comment