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Back to Goshen

ISAAC LONGENECKER

Funnies Editor

isaacl@goshen.edu

 

Summer has always felt like it disappeared almost instantly. Where did the time go?

For some, the time was spent productively doing an internship, or some other form of life progress. And for others, the time was less productive than two monkeys and a typewriter. Or Wellness for Life.

In all seriousness, our school system is conducive to brain degeneration in the summer months. If our brain were like fields of corn, letting the brain lie fallow for a period would be an incredibly smart strategy. Turns out, our brains aren’t like fields of corn. Well, some of our brains aren’t.

Irregardless, people get angry when the status quo is changed whether that be huge educational reform or questionable language usage.

The end of summer means the incoming freshman class are off to college for the first time! And oh, how lucky we are they chose Goshen! It is a wonderful time filled with excitement, tension* and anxiety. I, myself*, was in this place just two short years ago and remember it to be a scary transformative time. This is why I am going to offer you a couple tips for you Goshen first-timers.

1. Longboarding: As a freshman, you may be thinking about purchasing a longboard. I am not here to push you over the edge but what will push you over are train tracks. You CANNOT ride over train tracks with a long board. I have already seen one attempt this year and it was painful. I had to avoid eye contact, pretending like I didn’t see it as I walked past. Please save me from your pain.

2. Lanyards: Despite the ease with which you can whip you your student ID, lanyards are only cool for referees, networking conventions and Jeep owners. If you want to be identified as a freshman from across the KMY lawn then definitely keep the lanyard.

3. Your long-distance relationship: “We won’t be a statistic, we can do it.” “Distance means so little when you mean so much.” “We are the perfect couple, we’re just not in the perfect situation.” These are a few of the lies I hear from couples every year. You can’t choose not to be a statistic, that’s not how statistics works. You’ll break up by fall break and then find a new relationship by winter break. I have personal experience, data and testimonies to back that up.

4. Westlawn Dining Hall: If someone refers to “the rot” it is a reference to when Goshen’s cafeteria was run by Marriott, and most definitely not a slam on Chef Jeremy Corson’s wonderful catering with AVI fresh. Please respect Jeremy and the extraordinary presence he has on campus riding around in his golf cart.

5. Walking around in enormous groups: An understandable primal tactic derived from our ancestral “pack mentality.” As exciting as it is to cram 18 people around one table in the cafeteria, I challenge you to sit with someone you don’t know as well! And sometimes if you don’t feel like talking to people, it’s okay to sit alone.

*sexual

*I am a junior now so I’m pretty sure that means it’s still socially appropriate for me to date a freshman?

Record
Written by Record

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