By Brian O’Leary
Winter in Goshen can be a cold, hard time for many students. I myself went through quite a shock when, after leaving the warm climate of Seattle, Washington, I experienced my first winter in Goshen. The following is a list of the top ten ways to keep warm during the icy months ahead.
10. Naked Running: Any Anatomy professor will tell you that one of the functions of your muscles is to give off heat. One of the best ways to achieve this heat is to go for a nice long run– and, as common sense would tell us, clothes will hinder you from your desired top speed. So, as your ancestors invariably did, suit up for your birthday and sprint into that blizzard!
9. Drink Too Much Coffee: Coffee contains considerable amounts of caffeine, that wonder drug which wakes you up for class and stops your professor from passing out from looking at your boring faces at 8 am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But caffeine is also a vasodilator (source: Yahoo Answers) which means it dilates your blood vessels. Therefore, caffeine effectively heats your body and warms you against the winter ice. There are those who would question the science of this claim but they would do well to remember that as a Record Funnies writer I am infallible.
8. Bundle Up: Most people will recognize bundling up (as long as one is not running) as important to surviving a cold Goshen winter. However, this version of adding extra clothing takes a bit of a twist. I suggest adding layers and layers of clothing to one’s top half, but one should wear as little clothing on one’s legs as possible. In order to achieve optimal results, I suggest nothing but a loincloth combined with twenty jackets. It seems counter-intuitive, but the method really works. For proof one need only view the couple of people on campus wearing shorts during these cold times. Find them and they can attest that they are warm as can be.
7. Get Wet: Have you ever soaked in a hot tub? Water is warm and you can be too. All you have to do to achieve this is take a hot shower in all your clothes right before walking outside. For best results wear your backpack while wetting yourself.
6. Get Sick: Ever heard of a fever? It heats up the body beyond belief; in extreme situations, to over 100 degrees. Just the type of warmth needed on an icy day.
5. Hold It In: If you’ve ever peed in the snow you know just how warm pee is while coming out of your body. Keep that heat inside by never going to the bathroom! Holding it in also includes any vomit you might have whilst sick with a fever.
4. Eat Sausage: Pigs are one of the warmest mammals in the world. Combining all of the parts of a pig into one temperature-packed morsel makes sausage one of nature’s natural heaters.
3. Face Exercises: As stated earlier, muscle movement brings on heat. To maximize this opportunity, I suggest contorting ones face as often as possible. The best times are always in the middle of class whilst the professor is lecturing.
2. Burn Things: Heat, heat, heat!
1. More Naked Running: It can’t be emphasized enough, wear fewer clothes than ever before!