By Reuben Ng
A devastating wave of plant-death is beginning to roll across the northern hemisphere. Botanical expert Leif Barc claims that he and his colleagues have been “tracking the most unprecedented loss of foliage and vegetation in nearly a year.” He says that “this [is a] truly disconcerting phenomenon.”
Experts are baffled. “I can’t remember a catastrophe on this level happening in close to a year!” exclaims Carl Ose, long-time layman.
It isn’t as if there is much pity going around, however. This strange plight has struck only deciduous trees, those trees with distinctly flat and annoying leaves. From a characteristically unpleasant green, leaves on trees all around are changing colour to repugnant yellows, sickening reds and unspeakable browns and oranges. Not only this, but a number of offending trees have deemed it appropriate to litter the ground with their decaying debris. Already this putrefying detritus is obstructing many of the pathways on this once glorious campus.
Some call this “Fall”: a time of extinction. But, as some have pointed out, it likely is not the fault of the trees.
“They just don’t seem that smart,” said one Phil Lipp of the trees. Indeed, one might feel sorry for these inadvertently revolting—yet gentle—giants. It seems likely that they are in fact dying out. Some point to old age, others extreme boredom and still others claim that trees actually are not (nor have they ever been) alive.
Whatever the case, it seems clear that these woodland denizens are not faring well. Their mournful (and hideous) branches now clutch plaintively at the sky. It seems likely that the cold temperatures we have recently been experiencing are directly related to this. As soon as the trees began showing their “true colors,” so to speak, a dramatic and terrifying drop in temperature began to take place. The correlation is obvious—the trees did this. In just over a month, from the 14th of August to the 7th of October, temperatures have fallen an astounding 15.4˚C (28˚F). Temperatures have, in fact, fallen to lows that have not been recorded in weeks, let alone months. At this rate, temperatures will hit 0 Kelvin, absolute zero, in mid-May, 2015. If the trees are not brought back to their formal distinction–those great, antisocial leaf-bearing creatures–soon, it will not be just boring plants that have died out, but fauna as well.
It is a well-established fact that humans “eat plants and stuff,” at least according to Sue Zan, author of the self-help book, Eating, and Four Other Things I Do to Stay Alive (2010). Without plants, we are likely to become rather miffed and perhaps even contract scurvy on especially bad days.
A theory on influences of a phenomenon known as the ‘season’ has been put forth but has received little attention throughout the majority of academia. This could herald a new ice age; the mass extinction of plants is already underway. As updates become available, we will keep you apprised. However, for now, consider this: the dinosaurs—infinitely cooler than any human, Alan Smith, for example—did not fare nearly so well when they were faced with exasperating times such as these.