Well folks, it has finally happened (and I am not referring to another Muppets movie). Winter has come to Goshen. Along with the cold, blustery, frigid, icy, wet, mucky and downright dreadful weather comes one of the best seasons of the year. The season where an innocent baby came unto the world for the goodness of personkind? The season where eager shoppers wait weeks on end to get the best deal? Oh-no-no-no-no, these are completely irrelevant. The season about which I am continuously blabbing on about is, of course, Cuddle Season! The time of the year when no one asks questions when you hunker down under Grandma’s quilt with your significant other—making sure that your feet don’t stick out (which can be a problem if you are as tall as I am)—and praying that your roommate would stop turning down the heat.
For those of you lucky enough to have a significant other, this works well. It is biblically proven. (For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, Google the title of this article, or if you happen to own one of those objects called a Bible, actually take the time and effort to mundanely look it up.) Unfortunately, this is a broken and shattered world that we live in, and not everyone has that special someone to share the love of body heat with. I happen to be one of those people. So, naturally, I have created an application for any potential candidates for the position of cuddle buddy. Please fill out the following application and send it through campus mail to Aaron Kaufmann (please note that there is only 1 f, and 2 n’s. There are two of us on campus again now that the China SSTers are back.)
Without further ado, the application:
- When cuddling I like:
- Being tickled
- Staring blankly into space
- Cold hands on my face
- On average I shower:
- Shower…what is that?
- Once a week, whether I need it or not.
- I LIVE in the shower
- When I read the title of this article I thought:
- What is that big word? I’m not reading that.
- Why is there a Bible passage in on the Funnies Page?
- Ecc. 4:11 eh? This ought to be good.
- After reading this article I thought:
- I totally need to fill this out pretending to be Bill Born.
- Um…this is really creepy.
- Its cold out, and I’m cold, I’m in!
- Thoughts on hairy chests:
- More hair, more warmth.
- Don’t worry, I’ll bring my wax.
- I’ve decided I’m no longer going to mail this to Aaron.