How I became the official GC horoscope master

Discovering the fates of the stars is no easy task.  You might be asking, “but wait, don’t you just randomly make of fates that are incredible, ambiguous or awesome? ” They say there are no stupid questions but only stupid answers. However, that is a very stupid question.  Of course I do not make up horoscopes.  The process of predicting horoscopes takes several decades.

When I was a child, a radioactive star bit me.  At age twelve, I started hearing voices.  After a few weeks, I discovered that these voices were the stars whispering sweet destinies in my ear.  I knew at that point that it was time to go through the training of becoming an official predictor of the future.  Horoscope boot camp was challenging, the enormous climbing wall, ring of fire challenge, and potato race were particularly difficult.  Once my training was complete, I had to communicate with the stars and ask for permission to officially predict the future.  The stars are very difficult reach; I was put on hold for about seven months, and then right when they answered, my phone went dead.  One month later I finally reached them, but was denied access.  They told me I looked too young to predict fates, so I grew a beard and wore glasses and a sweater vest the next time I contacted them.  They said they felt I could predict the fate of Goshen students as soon as I found three magical stones, rode a coyote across a bridge, and ate a full gallon of ice cream in a single sitting.

Finally, this August the 30th, I had completed all the tasks and was awarded the staff of the future, as well as free Netflix access for two months.  I finally was ready to predict the fates of the students of GC.  The road is still not easy; every evening I must lay under the stars frowning for several hours.  I must also wear a bracelet with a star on it at all times so I do not lose my powers.  So please, appreciate and listen to these horoscopes, for they represent a large portion of my life’s work, and will almost certainly shape your destiny forever.  You’re welcome, GC.

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Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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