Your guide to taking the important step from being a cheapskate to a super cheapskate.

Most people know that Mennonites are cheap.  College students are cheap as well, so of course students at Goshen College excel at cheapness.  It’s practically our sixth core value.  Pretty soon it will be added as a major.  However, in these harsh economic times, being cheap just isn’t enough anymore.  When money is scarce, it is time to make that important step from being just a regular old cheapskate to an old pro, and here are 10 easy steps to show you how.

1.  Cars are expensive.  Gas is expensive.  Isn’t it sweet that you can care for the environment while being cheap?  Biking, taking the trolley and taking the bus are great ways to get around.  Personally, I think the ultimate mode of transportation has to be riding a wolf to work.  Would anyone mess with you EVER?  Rather than debating people, you could just tell them you rode a wolf to work.  Boom.  Argument won.  Man, I should put that on my resolution list.

2.  Make rich friends.  Why would you work hard to be rich when you can have rich friends?  Who needs to buy a condo if they simply have a friend who has one?  The ultimate move is to baby-sit for someone who is rich.  They are stinking PAYING you to play with the sweet stuff they’ve bought.  Is that even legal?

3.  If you are going to make poor choices, you should at least get paid for them.  The days of eating two jalapeños just for honor and respect are over: it’s time to make money for that stuff.  Why pay someone to cut your hair when people will pay you to cut your hair?  Why shave off your roommate’s eyebrows when people will pay you to shave them off?

4.  Hypnotize people with SgUiBvLeIjMaIcNoAbL MmEoSnSeAyGES

5.  Become a magician.  I’m going to make a 20 disappear.  Stinkin’ genius.

6.  Sell your roommate’s belongings on e-bay.  They only notice 70 percent of the time.

7.  Learn to moonwalk.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I would totally throw nickels at anyone who moonwalked from class to class.

8.  Do your laundry in the river.  So old school.

9.  Plant money in the ground.  It will then grow into a money tree–I would highly recommend planting it right outside of Kratz 3.  For your convenience, I’ve even made an “X” to mark the best place for growing money trees.

10.  Buy none of everything.  After last week’s dating guide, many people probably have two of whatever they need.

In a sense, it is time for a metamorphosis to occur and for you to turn from a plain ol’ cheap caterpillar into a beautiful cheap butterfly.  With these tips out there, let’s make a goal for 2010 to be the cheapest year for Goshen College students yet.

Jacob Landis-Eigsti
Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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