Top ten things you can do to save the planet

Top ten things you can do to save the planet:

10. Do not bathe

9. Avoid drive-throughs (stock up on Combos for the times at 1 a.m. that you crave salty semi-food).

8. If you have a hobby of spraying bald eagles with aerosol cans and gasoline, consider quitting.

7. Buy some goofy looking biking shorts to show the world you mean business.

6. Maintain a diet where you eat all of the things that are bad for the planet.

6a. Breakfast: Dolphin-eating bass, with Froot Loops, which do not contain actual Froot.

6b. Lunch: Styrofoam burgers in a light petroleum sauce.

6c. Supper: Exxon executives.

5. Say no to forest fires. And ask those who say yes to forest fires to seriously reconsider their stance.

4. Adjust the hue setting on your TV to make everything look green.

3. Replace all normal lights with lights that use half the electricity: strobe lights. This will also help you thrown green parties, or “Naders,” as the kids today are calling them.

2. If you clone dinosaurs, be sure to make sure they are all the same sex and thus cannot breed, escape and terrorize the planet. That’s what I did and it worked out great. Wait a second … Nooooooooo …

Written by Jesse Landis-Eigsti

Jesse Landis-Eigsti was born by candlelight on a dark and stormy night in Quithing, Lesotho. More recently, he has been wandering between Denver, Colorado and Goshen, Indiana, composing music, writing short stories, and doodling the only things he can draw: sharks, velociraptors, and space ships.

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