Tensions have been rising between the students of Kratz Residence Hall and campus safety since the north door of Kratz was locked the day after move-in.
A secretive rebel organization known as the Wild Kratz Resistance Front, or WKRF, has been slowly intensifying their attacks on the door in response to this “injustice.”In the beginning, the conflict stayed nonviolent, with resisters simply propping open the door, in direct violation of page 25 of the student handbook. However, as the days wore on, frustrations increased, and the WKRF turned towards violence. Rebels began aggressively yanking the handle until the door gave way.
While The Record staff are still unsure of the level of organization within the WKRF, it is believed that meetings may be taking place in the apartment of Chandler Buchfeller, director of student life. Buchfeller declined to comment on these accusations.
Drew Sanford, Resident Assistant of Kratz 2, believes he did all he could to prevent the current situation. “I told my residents the downstairs door was exit only. I guess they figured out if you pull hard enough, it’s not, and the handle was not built for that.”
On Oct. 5, when the door was lacking both handles and a latch, a sign appeared, reading, “Entering through or propping open this door will result in a Student Conduct referral. Damage to this door will be billed to all residents.” This caused an immediate frenzy in Kratz.
Kratz 4 resident Greta Miller fervently believes that this policy targets her specifically as a “music student that eats food.” The north door provides a strategic advantage when traveling between the dorms and the Music Center or Westlawn Dining Hall. Natalie Neufeld seconds this claim, adding that as a nursing student, she believes Westlawn access is doubly vital.
An anonymous rebel sympathizer on K4 almost immediately disregarded the sign. “I saw that the door lock was nonfunctional on my way out, so I came back in through the North door an hour later. I’m not personally gonna actually do vandalism but I’m sure gonna reap the spoils of others’ work. I fully believe that guerrilla warfare is justified in response to systematic oppression by the ruling class [campus safety].”
While it is unlikely that campus safety will acquiesce to the WKRF’s demands for an unlocked door, there may be another option to maintain peace. “I’d pay five dollars to have an ID scanner on that door,” Miller said.
The Record Funnies Page is committed to following this conflict as it develops. As of the time of writing, neither the WKRF nor campus safety has show any signs of backing down.
