By John Miller
Abe Pauls, Henry Stewart and I are very pleased to announce that we have been exclusively selected for a prestigious job opportunity! We will be vacating our campus roles as students, friends, third-cousins and plumbers. Peter Green, recruitment manager, sent each of us an email informing us that we had been selected for a work position we had until quite recently been completely unaware of. We assume our names rose to the top of an extensive list after a thorough evaluation process.
Since the position involves evaluating products to help companies with their advertising campaigns, we would prefer that you now refer to us as “ad-men.” In order to prepare for our new jobs, we’ve been spending most of our time learning the ins and outs of the field by watching reruns of Mad Men on Netflix. Based on our preliminary research, we’ve all decided to pick up smoking and drinking and become total idiots to fit in.
We understand some of you may be jealous of our newfound source of unending cash. And you should be! Do you have any idea how many crates of Ramen you can afford when you’re making $645 a day (in your spare time)!? We’re not exactly sure, but it’s a lot. Like, about 4,000. We’ll be making so much, Abe could afford to go eat at the Rott every day even though he doesn’t have a meal plan. He won’t, but that’s not the point.
As we embark on this new journey, we will look back on Goshen with fond memories. Even though we won’t be putting our majors to much use, we’ll be working in a new and exciting field with our new bro, Peter Green. Perhaps many years from now we will have the opportunity to return the favor that Peter has done for us. Look to us as role models, study hard and follow the core values. You, too, may have the chance at a prosperous future.
If you’d like to say goodbye to the three of us, we will likely be on the yacht we just began leasing.
Until very recently, Abe was a fifth year physics major, John was a third year physics major, and Henry was a music/biochemistry double major.