By Brian OLeary
I would just like to state now that I am not, nor have I ever been, a lion. This simple fact is one I have never had to express before, yet it seems necessary now that there has been a sudden explosion of ignorance on the Goshen College campus.
For those of you who do not know, a lion is a large mammal that lives on the African savannah. They can grow to over nine feet in length and weigh over 400 pounds, or 2.74 meters and 181.4 kilograms for all you metric system nerds out there. I can understand why I am mistaken for this majestic beast; 200 pounds and over two feet is not that much of a difference. However, I cannot excuse this mistake given the other evidence against my classification as a lion.
Mane, for instance: I recently received a haircut from L & M Hair Design over on Main Street (since I have already committed to shameless advertisement I might as well note that they did a great job with the razor) and cannot claim any great length of hair. Based on this criteria, it would be much more appropriate to mistake Daniel Martin or Charlie Frederick for longhaired beasts.
Diet is another difference that can be highlighted between myself and lions. The male African lion eats mainly large mammal species, including wildebeest, impalas, zebras, buffalo and warthogs; but I dine on a diet consisting solely of hippopotamus. How ridiculous to then assume the moniker of “Brian the lion.”
Lastly, there is the major lack of a tail in my personal anatomy. Despite repeated speculation by Grant Miller that I am in fact hiding a lustrous golden tail beneath these blue jeans, I can confirm that I do lack this feature. There is a simple explanation for this absence: lions, like many other big cats, use their tails for balance. However, I already possess perfect balance and thus God, nature or Cthulhu did not grant me the use of such a limb.
There is then only one conclusion that can be made: that Brian is, in fact, not a lion. This glaring error in the judgment of the public consciousness cannot be excused, and those responsible must answer for it. Thus, we must take this manner of thinking to its logical conclusion and place the blame for this drastic mistake solely on the shoulders of Hans Jacob Weaver. Hans is the worst.