Aries: Mar 21-Apr 19: You will rediscover your love for that wonderful childhood game Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20: If you send money to your funnies editor, this week will be wonderful and life changing. If not, I cannot even begin to describe how terrible this week will be.
Gemini May 21-June 21: I’ve got a feeling that tonight’s going to be a good night.
Cancer Jun 22-July 22: It will be discovered that you are too cool for school. You will be asked to leave the college.
Leo July 23-Aug 22: While you are sleeping, an enormous spider is going to jump from the ceiling onto your face.
Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22: You shall discover the meaning of life.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 23: Beware of small dogs this month; they are mightier than they look.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21: The stars are not going to talk to you again until you return that Hoody that you borrowed. They mean it.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21: Someone you have been in love with for four years will declare their love for you, then immediately change their mind and never talk to you again.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19: You will have the song Baby by Justin Bieber stuck in your head for the next 27 days.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18: Your future self is going to appear and steal money from you.