I was outside last Wednesday. I march around outside quite a bit every day, actually, but last Wednesday was special. Last Wednesday was the day I realized that outside isn’t really outside—it’s inside. We live indoors. We’ve always lived indoors. “Indoors?” you may well be asking, “What do you mean, indoors?” I mean exactly what it sounds like I mean.

We are living in a carefully engineered spherical dome, one which is constantly recreating the Earth’s conditions perfectly, with its innumerable seasons and its various hemispheres, and even its normative tropical storms. How this was accomplished, I’ll never know—but I know nothing about science, and as lowly pseudo-humans, neither do you, really.

We have our own little science scene—many of my good friends are majoring in something having to do with it—but it’s all bunk, fashioned by those who created us to keep us from ever really understanding the way things work. We could find them out, and then they’d be in trouble.

Don’t argue with me about outer space. I believe wholeheartedly in the universe and the stars and the Horse Head nebula and all that nonsense—they just exist outside of our little biosphere. Think about it—have you ever been there? Neither have I.

Human beings exist, too—they’re exactly like us, only they’re the size we perceive ourselves to be. What they’ve done is this: Quite some time ago, a group of scientists wishing to diminish human error decided that the best way to go about it was to engineer a replica of Earth with little replicas of people crawling about upon it, suffering from the same diseases as real humans and searching for the meaning of their varied lives.

Humans have been watching us since they first created our planet. We built this world ourselves, but we were set in motion by our big cousins in the sky. Genetic engineering is apparently much more advanced there than it is here. When I say “here,” I am referring to pseudo-Earth, surrounded by a pseudo-atmosphere and pseudo-outer-space.

We have satellites, too. Many of them were made by us–how else would we get internet? Make phone calls? Have a rapidly globalizing economy? We wouldn’t. However, some of the satellites were put in place to monitor us, record our downfalls and successes.

There’s a huge building devoted to us on Earth, a building within which our beloved pseudo-Earth is suspended and watched round the clock by human scientists, psychologists, psychiatrists, politicians, and yes, even literary analysts. We’re very small versions of them, placed here to act as their little white mice. They watch us progress and watch us retrogress, they watch us succeed and they watch us fail…and because we are miniature versions of them, they can quite effectively prevent our mistakes from happening in their sickeningly perfect realities.

In other words, we are being shamelessly exploited. We are accessories to one of the greatest crimes in the history of humankind—the creation of a utopia. Inevitably it will fail—likely once this article is read and knowledge of it circles the globe, drastic action will be taken and we can begin shaking up the soda can—extremely violently.

We have to end this. Even though we’re small pseudo-humans, we can take control of our own lives and our own world. We didn’t set it in motion, no—but the real humans watching us didn’t set their world in motion, either, and look what they’ve accomplished—us.

We are great. We are good. We don’t need anyone but ourselves to run this place. Call me pseudo-humanist, but…actually, there’s no but about it. Just call me pseudo-humanist. I’m proud to consider myself the founding member of this, the newest of the “isms.” Join me. Believe me. Please. You have to believe me.

Do you remember the movie The Truman Show? Frightening stuff. They convinced one man that his false world was real; as far as I’m concerned, they can convince an entire species that they created themselves of the same thing. If I’ve learned anything from my life as a human being spin-off, it’s that human beings are cunning creatures, dangerously unstoppable once determined. Luckily for us, humans created us in their own image. If there’s one thing they didn’t think through thoroughly, it was that simple yet key fact.

My friends, The Truman Show wasn’t just a movie—it was a message. Sure, it was applauded as an interesting film concept—but that’s exactly what they wanted us to think. Perhaps it was even a test from the outside, a baited hook left dangling in our tiny little world as our creators watched curiously, waiting to see if we would grab it. But we didn’t even notice. That’s why I’m here. I am showing you the fish hook, and asking you to grab it with me. Together, we could catch a real live human being!

Don’t ever forget the wise words of Theodor Geisel, “A person’s a person, no matter how small!” And, just by existing, we are proof positive that people are capable of great things.

For additional thoughts about this, you can also talk to Phil Stoesz. He was my first convert, and he aided me in the development of my theories.

(I would like it to be known that, regrettably, none of the views or beliefs mentioned herein are mine. I’m not that interesting. Nor are they anyone else’s, I do not believe. I meant absolutely no offense in writing this “perspective” to anyone or anything or any larger mammals resembling us who may be reading this currently—if you know me, you likely understand all of this already. If you don’t know me, I am a very silly person. You should say “hey” sometime. I wear a black coat and have a nearly-Neapolitan backpack. Sometimes I have funny thoughts. This was one of them. Earth is a good place. Whether it’s real or not, I love it to death. This is my way of telling it that I do.)