The votes are in: Keith’s exams are too hard

Welcome back, my faithful readers! 

First, a recap of GC’s Toughest Prof Round 4 since last week was dedicated to Duane Stoltzfus, professor of communication. He received a beautiful birthday present — he won his round against Michelle Horning! One voter wrote “Duane might seem quiet and reserved, but when he reads your article rough draft and gives it a ‘Gaahhh’: you will reconsider your entire writing career.” 

As the competition continues, perhaps professors are getting a little TOO tough. 

One voter claims that “John Buschert is ruthless” and another ominously writes that “John Mishler has access to A LOT of heavy metal”. I can’t quite tell if Mishler has a secret arsenal of metal weapons or if he jams it out to the band Metallica. 

But my dear readers, the truth is coming out about these profs and their dangerous ways. Another voter submits that “Solomia (professor of music) has so much passion and musical fury in such a small package — it demands respect, and a decent amount of fear.” I’ll admit: the more I read these quotes, the more I worry that the GC Profs are in a heavy metal band.

I appreciated one voter’s use of wordplay — “Jeannette Shown as in Jeanette SHOWN you, you ain’t (nothing).” Full disclosure: the voter didn’t write “nothing”… but this is a Christian campus so I won’t repeat what was said. 

The results are in for Round 5 — and the professor who stands out the most is Keith Graber Miller, professor of Bible and religion. Not only was he one vote shy of being voted a 100% tough professor, he also received a multitude of comments from voters. I’ll just go ahead and list them below:

“Keith Graber Miller’s tests are legendary.”

“His expectations are infinitely higher than the test averages in his classes.”

“Keith’s tests are proof enough of the existence of hell.” 

“Keith’s exams bring me closer to God in two different ways.” (I’m a little worried about this person)

“The joy on Keith’s face when he sees the students’ dismay at their five-page exam is most unsettling.” (it’s more of a smug, sheepish smile)

And my personal favorite, “If I were offered the choice between taking another Keith exam and graduating early OR re-doing my four years at Goshen without a single Keith exam, I’d say hello class of 2024!”

There was quite a lot of adamancy about Randy Horst’s toughness this round. Indeed, it was a contentious win — near 50/50. Ultimately, Kendra Yoder had the upper hand. But according to voters, Horst is one critical dude. One person describing him as an “EXPERT” and another asserting that “Randy will slowly tear down your self-esteem through his carefully worded critiques.” I can certainly tell that it’s midterm week. A more positive voter wrote that Randy will win because “his bass playing skills combined with drawing talent are too strong for this competition.” Sadly, they were wrong.

Readers, this battle is getting tougher. Stay tuned for the next round of GC’s toughest prof. Future rounds will include tough picks like Paul Reimer vs. Jerrell Richer, Paul Keim vs. Philipp Gollner, and John Roth vs. Matthew Hill. 

May the toughest prof win.

Rachael Klink, Funnies Editor
Rachael Klink, Funnies Editor
Written by Rachael Klink, Funnies Editor

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